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I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

Tow Truck

One night a big snowstorm hit. The next morning, as my wife was pulling out of the driveway, her car slid into a ditch. The local garage sent a tow truck, and she was soon on her way.
Later that day, my wife got stuck again. The same tow truck rescued her. One the way home, she went off the road again. Out came the tow truck--for the third time.
When the phone rang late that night, I answered it. "It's the garage man," I called to my wife. "He wants to know if it's all right to put the tow truck away."

The Truth Hurts

A man, seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, pulls to the side of the road. A police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

Pull Over

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. He was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Since she was oblivious to his lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"


Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least'."
Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"

Traffic Camera

As a man was driving down the road he passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash.
He couldn't believe it so he turned and, going at a snail's pace, he passed the camera again. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash. He guessed it must be faulty, and home he went.
A few weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seat belt.

What Would Jesus Drive?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."

Driving to Work

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, sixteen miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight-lane highway so if you just look at the seven lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every forty feet per lane.
That's seven cars every forty feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, one in twenty-eight has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70 percent describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22 percent of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34 percent describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5 percent of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off?
I think not.
(written by a very smart man)

A friend of mine (also a very smart man) pointed out some flaws in the above story:
" . . . when you are in bumper to bumper traffic, you do not pass a new car every forty feet. Most of the time the same cars stay together. One lane will move up then another lane and so on . . . Cars that switch lanes all the time do not do much better . . . the original assumption is not valid and that pretty much voids the rest of the calculations."

But I still think it's funny ;-)

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