This file includes Health, Doctors and Nurses, and EMTs.
Also see Fitness, Diet, Laughter is the Best Medicine, Emotional and Mental Health, Addiction (smoking, alcohol, etc), Ouchies (accident and illness), and Songs about the Body.



Health Quotes


Enough is Enough

Patient: "Doc, I'm having trouble with my hearing."
Doctor: "How old are you?"
Patient: "67"
Doctor: "You've heard enough."


Not Worth the Trouble

"How old are you?" the funeral director asked the bereaved husband.
"Ninety-seven." The man replied.
"Hardly worth going home, is it?" responded the funeral director.


Identifying a Stroke Victim

Early symptoms of a stroke can be hard to recognize. Three questions can help.
~~ Ask the individual to smile.
~~ Ask him or her to raise both arms.
~~ Ask the person to speak a simple sentence.
If they have trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

But remember, the absence of these symptoms does not necessarily indicate that a person is NOT having a stroke. Suspect a stroke when any of these symptoms are present:
~~ Sudden numbness or weakness of face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
~~ Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
~~ Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
~~ Sudden severe headache with no known cause


Home Remedies That Really Work


Preparing for Your First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally
prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently chilled and flattened. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

Congratulations! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram!

(Note: I hesitated to put this here because I would not want to discourage anyone from having a mammogram. However, the people I have talked to who have had a mammogram--including myself--think it is quite amusing. A mammogram is uncomfortable, but not enough to risk your life by not having one.)


Mysterious Deaths

In a hospital intensive care unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11 a.m. regardless of their condition. This puzzled doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at the same time every week.
Eventually a world wide team of medical experts were contacted and they decided to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11:00 a.m the group gathered outside the room--some with bibles, others with crosses and other spiritual symbols to ward off evil.

Just then the clock struck 11 . . .

And then . . .

the Sunday cleaning person unplugged the life support system and plugged in his vacuum cleaner.


Songs about Health


Songs about Breathing



Health Care Workers


Quotes and Humor


Second Opinion

Doctor: "The results of your tests point to your pancreas as the root of your trouble."
Patient: "I think I'd like another opinion."
Doctor: "OK, the results of your tests point to your liver as the root of your trouble."


Faith Healer

A faith healer ran into his old friend Max and asked him how things were going.
"Not so good," was the pained reply, "My brother is very sick."
"Your brother isn't sick," contradicted the faith healer, "he only thinks he's sick. Remember that, he only thinks he's sick."
Two months later they met again and the faith healer asked Max: "How's your brother now?"
"Worse," groaned Max, "he thinks he's dead."


Country Doctor

A young doctor, raised in the city, opened his practice in a rural area of Canada. The second day, his doorbell rang at 4:30 a.m. He stumbled toward the door; his mind scrambling to be alert for what must be a terrible emergency. Opening the door, he was surprised to see a farmer, looking quite fit. "Good heavens, man, what is it?" the doctor asked.
"Nothing much," said the farmer. "You asked me to drop by for my blood test just before breakfast, and here I am."


You Might Be in the Health Care Field if...


Nurse Page Toppers


Nurse Quotes


What Doctors Say...and what they're really thinking

This should be taken care of right away.
. . . I'd planned a trip but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Welllllll, what have we here . . . ?
. . . He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
Let me check your medical history.
. . . I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
Why don't we make another appointment later in the week.
. . . I'm playing golf this afternoon . . . or . . . I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another visit.
I have some good news and some bad news.
. . . The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
Let's see how it develops.
. . . Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
Let me schedule you for some tests.
. . . I have 40% interest in the lab.
I'd like to prescribe a new drug.
. . . I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call.
. . . I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
That's quite a nasty looking wound.
. . . I think I'm going to throw up.
This may smart a little.
. . . Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we . . . ?
. . . I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
This should fix you up.
. . . The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
I'd like to run some more tests.
. . . I don't know what's wrong but maybe the kid in the lab can figure it out.
Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?
. . . Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me . . .
There is a lot of that going around.
. . . My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

Actual Medical Chart Entries


Songs about Doctors



Emergency Medical Technicians


Quotes about EMTs


EMT/Paramedic ABC's

A - ambulance, accident, asystole, at scene, ALS (advanced life support), anesthesia, analgesic, aorta, arrhythmia, aspirator, AOB (alcohol on breath), apnea, AA (Ambulance Attendant), address, acknowledge
B- beeper, broken bones, burns, blood pressure, blood pressure cuff, bradycardia, blankets, bandages, backboard, BLS (basic life support), blood, baby
C - car, cardiovascular, collision, cut, CPR, cervical collar, CAD (computer aided dispatch), crutches, CHF, contusion, concussion, cyanotic, carotid, CVA, coma, comatose, choking, convulsions
D - defibrillator, diabetes, D5W (dextrose 5 percent solution in water), DOA, determinant(s), disinfectant, diastolic, delivery, delirious, drugs,doctor, dusky
E - emergency, epinephrine, en route, ETA, EMS, EKG, epilepsy, EOH, equipment, examine
F - first responder, fire, fractures, fatality, fibrillator, femoral, fever, flashing lights
G - gauze, gurney, generator, GSW (gun shot wound), GCS (Glascow coma scale)
H - heart attack, highway, Hurst tools, hospital, hemorrhage, heart monitor
I - insulin, IV, immobilization, injection, incident, in station, injured, injury
J - Jaws of Life, joint, judgment, jugular
K - KY Jelly, kidney, knowledge
L - Life Flight, lacerations, labor, lab work, lifesaver, lungs, location
M - medicine, maternity, malpractice, muscle, mask, MI, morphine
N - nasal cannula, needle, non-responsive, nurse
O - oxygen, oxygen mask, on scene, on air, otoscope, OD, 02 sat
P - pulse, pager, pen light, paramedic, priority, patient, pregnancy, pulse oximetry, pneumothorax, pupils equal and responsive, pupils not equal
Q - quick response, qualifications, queasy, query, question, queue
R - respirations, restraints, rescue, resuscitate, radio, response, responding, Ringer's, radial, rookie, route
S - splint, saline, stretcher, stethoscope, sinus rhythm, siren, sling, shock, suction, status, stabilize, snakebite, station, scalpel, stroke, stabilizer, sphygmomanometer, systolic, seizure
T - temperature, tachycardia, transport, triage, treatment, trauma center, thermometer, tongue depressor, tourniquet, Trach (for tracheotomy), transfer
U - underwater rescue, unresponsive, unit, unconscious, uniform, umbilical cord, understanding, unflagging, unknown, urgent
V - vital signs, volunteer, VSA (vital signs absent), vein, ventilate, verify, vertebra, veteran, victim, vision, volt
W - wound, whiplash, weak and thready (for pulse), watch, woozy, wisdom, workup
X - eXamine, X-ray, eXtreme
Y - YOM (year old male), YOF (year old female) - used in conjunction with a number
Z - zyphoid