Also see Misc Food, Vegetables, Cooking, Health and Fitness and Exercise.



Quotes and Page Toppers


It's All in How You Look at it

Wife: "This is my favorite picture of myself."
Husband: "You've got to be kidding! Look . . . it's not focused well, the wind is blowing your hair all over the place, and you're squinting from the sun. How can this be your favorite picture?"
Wife: "I look thin."


Forget-Me-Not

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.


Holiday Stress Diet

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the holidays.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules For This Diet:

  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
  3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
  4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
  5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
  6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
  7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
  8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
  9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  10. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
  11. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
  12. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples: ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles

Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts--and that is too much of a coincidence to be an accident!


Toddler Miracle Diet

The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all- meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!

Over the years you may have noticed that most two-years-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!

DAY ONE:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a hand full of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a hand full of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool- Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, hand full of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.