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Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons. (R. Buckminster Fuller)

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your phone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your device where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now. You have thirty seconds.


A Big Change

1999: "Don't get in the car with strangers."
2009: "Don't meet people from the internet alone."
2019: UBER . . ."Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car alone with."

A 90s Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand, buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file
and send the mail in a little while.

Then gather the news before the dawn
and all the scores from fans long gone.
The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.

Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who's late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.

Air purifier cleans each hour tonight;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.
VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.

Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender's all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away if it should rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.

I'm wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

Remember When...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
and a program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity
and a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that faded with age.
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
and paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.

Data Center of the Future

It runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.
The dog's job is to make sure the man doesn't touch the computer.

You know you're living in 2015 when...

Growing Up Without a Cell Phone

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious tales about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda. I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in I was going to tell my kids how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

  1. When I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog - and then find the book!
  2. There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen and paper! Then we had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
  3. Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to spank us if needed! Nowhere was safe!
  4. There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
  5. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished. Then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
  6. We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! Too bad!
  7. There weren't any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH ! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
  8. We didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
  9. We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
  10. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on TV! No remotes and no channel surfing! You had to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
  11. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little whiners!
  12. And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
  13. And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you did chores!
  14. And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

If Microsoft Built Cars...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mpg."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Movie Computers

Is your computer male or female?

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female.
Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: 

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Shift Keys FAQ

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean 'up', as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation 'shift', the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O. Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every time I want big letters. Is there another way to do it?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word 'shift' very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to 'train' the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key.

intel inside, idiot outside

How to Install Software: A 12-Step Program

  1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
  2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.
  3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
    LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U. N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
  4. Hand the software to a child aged three through twelve and say, "please install this on my computer."
  5. If you have no child age three through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
  6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
  7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
  8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
    The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: +---+ +-----+  YES   SURE  +---+ +-----+
  9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree. exe," "fester. dat," and "doo. wha."
  10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
    CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.
    If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@and*^)$*!#$_$*^
  11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
  12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged three through 12.

Computer Virus List

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