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You know you're an Internet Junkie when...


A Net Addicts Day

Slow day: not much to do so spent three hours on Facebook.
Busy day: managed to work in three hours on Facebook.
Very busy day: barely squeezed in three hours on Facebook.


Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

  1. Minimum length twelve characters.
  2. Not in any dictionary.
  3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
  4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
  5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard.
  6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
  7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
  8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11, commonly known about in hacker circles.
  9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the internet.
  10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
  11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32-bit palette.
  12. Changed prior to every use.
  13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
  14. Contain tissue samples of at least three vital organs.
  15. Must contain both upper and lower case characters as well as at least two numbers.
  16. Undecodable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
  17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking form and inert.
  18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).
  19. Due to the severity of the restrictions, you must change your password every day.

How many message board posters does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: 1,343
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar of the flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "light bulb" or "lightbulb";
another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 to write to the site administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this board;
109 to post that this board is not about light bulbs and to please take this thread to the litebulb board;
203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this board saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this board;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and to post the corrected URL's;
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this board which makes light bulbs relevant to this board;
33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";
12 to post to the board that they are logging off because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago in chat?"
143 to ask "what's chat?"


How the Internet Was Started

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.


How to Build a Web Page

(by Bridgett Schneider and Nancy Cole)

  1. Download a piece of Web authoring software. (20 minutes)
  2. Think about what to write on your Web page. (6 weeks)
  3. Download the same Web authoring software, because they have released three new versions since you first time downloaded it. (20 minutes)
  4. Decide to steal some images and awards to put on your site. (1 minute)
  5. Visit sites to find images and awards; find five that you like. (4 days)
  6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again. (25 minutes)
  7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. (15 minutes)
  8. View the source of others' pages. (4 hours)
  9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software. (1 minute)
  10. Try to line up two related images horizontally. (6 hours)
  11. Remove one of the images. (10 seconds)
  12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background; wonder why all your text is gone. (4 hours)
  13. Download a counter from your ISP. (4 minutes)
  14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10." (3 hours)
  15. Put four blank lines between two lines of text. (8 hours)
  16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. (40 minutes)
  17. Accidentally delete your complete Web page. (1 second)
  18. Recreate your Web page. (2 days)
  19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server. (3 weeks)
  20. Call a friend to find out about FTP. (30 minutes)
  21. Download FTP software. (10 minutes)
  22. Call your friend again. (15 minutes)
  23. Upload your Web page to your ISP's server. (10 minutes)
  24. Connect to your site on the Web. (1 minute)
  25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps. (eternity)