Humor for Women Only

Also see For Women Only, A Humorous Female Perspective on Aging, Relationship Humor and The Difference Between Men and Women.

All men are animals...some just make better pets
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Any woman wanting a husband obviously hasn’t had one before.
At least I’m a fun hot mess. Like a train wreck full of pizza, fireworks, and glitter.
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date. (Caroline Rhea)
Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
The books say women are supposed to have penis envy, but look who wrote the books. (Yoko Ono)
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. (Marion Smith)
Does it count as saving someone's life if you refrain from killing them?
Don't get jealous when you see your ex with someone else. Just remember that your parents taught you to give your used toys to the less fortunate.
FRIEND: A man you like but who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him totally unappealing.
Go for younger men. You might as well--they never mature anyway.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and ready to take on the world...oh, sorry...that's wine...wine does that.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: "What does a woman want?" (Freud)
Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'Second Tall Man'.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
A. No one knows...it has never happened.
I am woman. I am invincible. I am tired!
I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.
I think--therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)
I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men, they are far superior and always have been. (William Golding)
I was meant to be loved, not understood!
If a man is alone in the forest, and there's no one there to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
If woman's work is never done; why start?
If we are what we eat...I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
If we put a man on the moon--we should be able to put them all up there.
It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs and trip over nothing...I have those talents!
I'm a lot of trouble, but I'm worth it.
I'm not a bitch, I'm THE bitch, and that's MISS BITCH to you!
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now!
Interviewer: What inspires you to get out of bed every morning?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. (Wendy Leibman)
Laugh and the world laughs with you...cry and you get your way!
League of Pushy Women. Self-Appointed Chapter Head.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
A man of such obvious and exemplary charm must be a liar. (Anita Brookner)
A man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
Men are all the same--they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.
Men are just tall children!
Men are like horoscopes--they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like mascara--they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men come and go, but friends are forever. And they're really handy at mocking the men who go.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Men should come with directions!
My disposition is subject to change without notice.
My fantasy is having two men, one cooking and one cleaning.
My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
Never get jealous when you see your ex with someone else. Remember, our parents taught us to give our used toys to the less fortunate.
Never let your man's mind wander--it's too little to be out alone.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Not tonight dear...I have a modem.
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
Periods help you learn how to get blood off of things, which may be why more men get arrested for murder.
The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. (Phyllis Diller)
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Some people just need a high-five...in the face...with a chair.
Some people just need a sympathetic pat...on the head...with a hammer.
They called it PMS because the name Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
They say love hides behind every corner, then I must be going round in circles.
Things I need to do today: Find 'THE LIST'!
Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day. Forward this message to everyone who fits this description. Do not send it back to me as I have already received it over 50,000 times and my in-box is full!
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake.
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Whenever I want a really nice meal, I start dating again. (Susan Healy)
Why are blond jokes so dumb?
So men can understand them, too.
Why did God make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Woman has been no more domesticated than the cat. (L. L. Levinson)
Woman to man: "I'd let you talk more, but you're not as interesting as me."
Women are angels. When someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You can't always control who walks into your life, but you can control which window you throw them out of.

The Rules

A macho man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."

The Silent Treatment

A couple were having problems and were giving each other the 'silent treatment'. Then the man realized he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning drive to a golf match.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."
The next morning, he woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left without him. Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Then God Created Man

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain and all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But . . . he'll be bigger and faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with a suspiciously raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well . . . you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . . . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret . . . You know, woman to woman."

Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

What I've Learned

I've learned--
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned--
that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned--
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned--
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned--
that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned--
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned--
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

What I've Learned (real world version)

I've learned--
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned--
that no matter how much I care,
some people are just jerks.
I've learned--
that it takes years to build up trust,
and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned--
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned--
that you shouldn't compare yourself to others--
they are more messed up than you think.
I've learned--
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned--
that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon
and all the less important ones just never go away.

Relationship Rules

The female always makes the rules.
The rules can change without notice.
Males can't know the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows the rules, she must immediately change some of them.
The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.
If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind.
The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
The male cannot diagnose PMS.

Wishful Thinking

(Esther H. Leary)

When a gentleman gives me his seat on the bus
And rides along clutching the strap,
I think how much cozier might it have been
Had he asked me to sit on his lap!

I Wish I Was a Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.
He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wish I was a bear.

Expressions for Women on High Stress Days

All stressed out and no one to choke.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?
And your point is...?
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Chaos, panic, and disorder--my job is done here.
Do I look like a people person?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
Don’t judge me until you’ve flown a mile on my broom.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen.
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Earth is full. Go home.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
How about never? Is never good for you?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I am out of Estrogen and I have a gun.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I respect your opinion. I just don't want to hear it!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If the broom fits. Fly it!
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a bad mood for thirty years.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Let me drop everything and work on your problem.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful I don’t own a taser.
Next mood swing: six minutes
Nice perfume--but must you marinate in it?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!
Oh I get it...like humor...but different
Remember my name...you'll be screaming it later.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
So many stupid people...so few comets.
Thank you. I'm refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
When your IQ reaches 50, sell.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
You--Off my planet.
You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.
You sound reasonable...time to take my medication.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

Ways to Tell That You Have 'Estrogen Issues'

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
You're counting down the days until menopause.
You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

How many women with PMS does it take change a light bulb?

One.

ONE!!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY???
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE TWELVE FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . .

That's how many!

Other Things 'PMS' Could Stand For

Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Plainly, Men Suck
Potential Murder Suspect

Many Women's Problems Start With Men

Men-tal illness
Men-strual cramps
Men-tal breakdown
Men-opause
Guy-nocology
His-torectomy

If Dr. seuss Were a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman--Yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live on Budweiser, Beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections;
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.

I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.
I won't grab your boobs; I won't pinch your butt.
My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut.

I don't go around readjusting my crotch;
or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch.
I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see--I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing--
and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting.
Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back.
And when I bend over You can't see my crack.

I'm a woman, alas--and I'm proud, don't you see?
I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for a chick--
I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my #ick.
I'm a woman, by chance, And thankful I am!
I'm so glad I'm a woman, Not a man, yes I am

Why God Created Eve

10.) God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9.) God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Men don't want to see what's ON television; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8.) God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when he wore it out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7.) God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6.) God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5.) God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4.) As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3.) The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2.) As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON GOD CREATED EVE . . .
1.) When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that!"

Why Aren't You Married Yet?

(19 Snappy Comebacks to the age-old question)

You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
What? And spoil my great sex life?
Why aren't you thin?
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancée is awaiting his parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion-dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

A little touch of relaxation therapy:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called 'the world'.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now . . . . . . . feeling better??