Also see For Women Only, A Humorous Female Perspective on Aging, Relationship Humor and The Difference Between Men and Women.




The Rules

A macho man married a good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or not."


The Silent Treatment

A couple were having problems and were giving each other the 'silent treatment'. Then the man realized he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning drive to a golf match.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."
The next morning, he woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left without him. Furious, he was about to go see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


Then God Created Man

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain and all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But . . . he'll be bigger and faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with a suspiciously raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well . . . you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . . . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret . . . You know, woman to woman."


Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


What I've Learned

What I've Learned (real world version)


The Rules

  1. The female always makes the rules.
  2. The rules can change without notice.
  3. Males can't know the rules.
  4. If the female suspects that the male knows the rules, she must immediately change some of them.
  5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
  6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.
  7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
  8. The female can change her mind.
  9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.
  10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
  11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
  12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
  13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
  14. The male cannot diagnose PMS.

Wishful Thinking

(Esther H. Leary)

When a gentleman gives me his seat on the bus
And rides along clutching the strap,
I think how much cozier might it have been
Had he asked me to sit on his lap!


I Wish I Was a Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.

Your husband expects you to growl when you wake up.
He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wish I was a bear.


Expressions for Women on High Stress Days


Ways to Tell That You Have 'Estrogen Issues'


How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

ONE!!!

And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.

They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID #)#(*(*^% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY???
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE TWELVE FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS . . .

That's how many!


Other Things 'PMS' Could Stand For


Many Women's Problems Start With Men


If Dr. seuss Were a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman--Yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live on Budweiser, Beer nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections;
I won't drive to Hell before asking directions.

I act nice at parties; don't act like a clown;
And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down.
I won't grab your boobs; I won't pinch your butt.
My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut.

I don't go around readjusting my crotch;
or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch.
I don't belch in public; don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman, you see--I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman; So glad I could sing--
and thrilled I'm not covered in shag carpeting.
Hair won't grow from my ears, Or cover my back.
And when I bend over You can't see my crack.

I'm a woman, alas--and I'm proud, don't you see?
I'm blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live for golf, or shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I don't need male bonding; I don't cruise for a chick--
I'll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my #ick.
I'm a woman, by chance, And thankful I am!
I'm so glad I'm a woman, Not a man, yes I am


 Why God Created Eve

10.) God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9.) God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
(Men don't want to see what's ON television; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8.) God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when he wore it out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7.) God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6.) God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5.) God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4.) As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3.) The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2.) As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON GOD CREATED EVE . . .
1.) When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that!"


Why Aren't You Married Yet?

(19 Snappy Comebacks to the age-old question)


A little touch of relaxation therapy:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called 'the world'.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now . . . . . . . feeling better??