Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.
The Marriage Humor file is about minor relationship difficulties. This file is about more serious problems. The 'dark' humor does not mean that I dislike men. I have had some bad experiences with men--most notably my biological father, first step-father, and former husband. However, there are also some wonderful men I am privileged to have in my life--most notably my adoptive father, my favorite uncle, my younger brother and my best friend.
Also see The Difference Between Men and Women and Love - Another Perspective.
Quotes
- After divorce, men realize that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with an astounding financial loss.
- Alimony: bounty after the mutiny. (Max Kauffmann)
- Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
- The best thing about being short is when you hug a guy and you feel his heartbeat and you know exactly where to stab him if he hurts you.
- Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.
- The difference between a circus and a singles bar is--at the circus, the clowns don't try to talk to you.
- Divorce: The past tense of marriage.
- Do you know why women don't blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
- Don't be sexist--broads hate that.
- Don't marry for money; it's cheaper to borrow it.
- Don't think that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost--she may have got him.
- First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
- The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce. (John Kenneth Galbraith)
- He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?
- He said, "Since I first met you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said, "Well, you succeeded."
- Him: "What do you think of this talk of scientists crossing a man with a pig?"
Her: "They're a little late!"
- Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
- I divorced my husband for religious reasons. He thought he was God...I didn't!
- I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving!
- If you want to end relationships just say, "I want to marry you so we can live together forever." Sometimes they leave skid marks. (Rita Rudner)
- I'm happily married--but my wife isn't.
- It's like magic. When you live by yourself, all your annoying habits are gone!
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I know how to push all my wife's buttons...now if I could only find the one marked OFF!
- I love you more today than yesterday--
yesterday you really got on my nerves!
- I never even believed in divorce until after I got married. (Diane Ford)
- I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- I'd like to live life in the fast lane but I'm married to a speed bump.
- I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
- If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
- If Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy; if Daddy ain't happy, who cares.
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a lot of overlapping!
- If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
- Insanity: grounds for divorce in some states, grounds for marriage in all.
- It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. (Benjamin Disraeli)
- It is better to have loved and lost than to have loved and married.
- It isn't whether you win or lose; but how you place the blame.
- It's called foreplay because it's supposed to last at least four minutes! (Denny)
- I've been married so long that I almost feel like I was born in captivity.
- I've had fun before...this isn't it.
- Just how many toads do I have to kiss?
- Let us give some thought to the Pilgrim mothers, for they not only had to endure every thing the Pilgrim fathers endured, but also had to endure the Pilgrim fathers.
- Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. (Robert Neville)
- Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else. (George Bernard Shaw)
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- Marriage counselor to clients: "I don't often say this to my counseling clients, but it has become clear to me that the two of you should NOT be married...to ANYONE...EVER!"
- Marriage has made me what I am today--happily divorced!
- Marriage is a major commitment, and is best contemplated by those who should be committed.
- Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
- Marriage still confers one very special privilege--only a married person can get divorced.
- Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Men are like copy machines--about the only thing they're good for is reproduction.
- Men are like mascara--they run at the first sign of emotion.
- My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is my wife's real personality.
- My husband said if I went shopping again, he'd leave me. WHY didn't somebody tell me it was that easy!?!
- My next husband will be normal.
- My next husband will be normal--one weird person in a marriage is enough!
- My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
- Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. (Dave Barry)
- Never date a woman whose father calls her 'Princess.' Chances are she believes it.
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
- Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage. (Barbey D'Aurevilly)
- Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy. (Henry A. Kisinger)
- Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. (Charlie Brown)
- One woman to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Other woman, "Yes, I married the wrong man..."
- Post-Divorce greeting card - Front: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...", Inside: "...that you're not here to ruin things for me."
- Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
- A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- She's waiting for the right man to come along, but in the meantime she's keeping in practice with the wrong ones.
- Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Take an interest in your husband's hobbies; hire a private detective.
- Take your troubles like a man; blame them on a woman.
- Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
- The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex.
- Very few trial separations don't work.
- Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
- We both have the same problem...you!
- We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him. (Shelley Winters)
- What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
- Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage. (Ben Franklin)
- When you see what some girls marry, you realize how much they must hate to work for a living.
- Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? Rita (Rudner)
- Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.
- A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.
- Women don't make fools of men--most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. (Sharon Stone)
- Women were born without a sense of humor, so they could love men and not laugh at them.
- You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
- You have to kiss a lot of toads to find your handsome prince.
- You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.
Rumors
The prominent pillar of the community was reading his morning paper in the den and called out to his wife, "Elizabeth, did you read the gossip column today? Absolutely ridiculous! It says you left me. Elizabeth? Elizabeth???"
The Winner
A woman ran into her house and shouted, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
"That's great!" he replied. "Should I pack for the ocean or for the mountains?"
"I don't care," she said. "Just get the hell out.
Empty Nest
Woman to couple at a party: "So what have you been doing with yourselves now that the kids are in college?"
Wife: "Well, we did find we had a lot more time on our hands."
Husband: "So we've been spending all of it on our divorce."
Prescription required:
A lady walked into a drug store and asked for cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'd lose my license. They'd throw both of us in jail!"
The lady reached into her purse, pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the photo. "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Assertiveness
A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The man rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing . . . you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."
Wish Granted
A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. A good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion thirty years younger than him.
Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!
Gotta love that fairy!
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Dinner Conversation Gone Wrong
WIFE: "If I died would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not--don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With hurtful look)
HUSBAND: (loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence---
HUSBAND: "damn"
Be Careful What You Say!
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never even heard the shot . . .
The Relationship is Probably Over When...
- She puts your dinner on the floor in the dog dish.
- The milkman is wearing your bathrobe.
- You get a ticket for the Jerry Springer Show.
- She starts every sentence with the words..."To whom it may concern."
- Your mail comes addressed to "Current Resident."
- Her mother looks at you and starts laughing.
- All of your shirts have a target painted on them.
- You come home and all that is left of the house is the foundation.
- You start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
- Your name is Fred and a new tattoo just below her navel reads..."Joe's Place."
Signs Your Divorce isn't Going Well
- Your spouse's lawyer has taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
- The judge is seriously considering your spouse's request for custody of your immortal soul.
- Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.
- Your mother's name appears on your wife's witness list.
- Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
- Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card
- Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:
What the hell was I thinking?
- Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.
- I must admit,
you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell
until I met you.
- As the days go by,
I think of how lucky I am
that you're not here
to ruin it for me.
- When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broke up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- Thanks for being a part of my life!
I never knew what evil was before this!
- I'm so miserable without you,
it's almost like you're here.
Men Do Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes to find that her husband is not in bed. She goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking that her husband is thinking about her. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife.
The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?'"
I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and says . . . "I would have gotten out today."
Like His Mother Used to Do
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard . . .
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him . . .
Like his mother used to do.
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Take a Walk
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
General Review of the Sex Situation
(Dorothy Parker)
Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?
Liberated Woman
(Jan of tlynnpoems)
I'm a liberated woman no noose around my neck
If I don't want to cook a meal I say "What the heck."
No one gripes at me if I don't do things their way
I can pick and choose any game I want to play.
No splashes on the mirror no whiskers in the sink
No one hollers at me to serve him up a drink.
I can lay around in my jamma's until noon
I can stay awake all night just looking at the moon.
I don't have to go where I do not want to go
I don't have to learn what I do not care to know.
I've had my chance to serve a master on the throne
Now I'm looking forward to being left alone.
I have a lot of friends--the kind that wears a dress
We sit around and laugh for we've all been in this mess.
We were looking for a prince but there were none around
The pond was full of frogs but a prince could not be found.
No one will ever own us or tell us what to do
No one will speak unkindly or put us in a stew.
If someone is unhappy we won't have to take the blame
It won't be our fault if someone's feeling lame.
All these things that I've been through no longer follow me
For I just got a brain and I am now set free.
Next time that I am tempted to wear a band of gold
I have the perfect excuse for I am much too old.
I Took Him Back to WalMart
My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!
Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.
I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!
I took him back to WalMart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.
They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I took back his mother the next year!
They'll take anything back at WalMart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!
Hormone Hostage
Everyone knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
True Love
If you love someone, set them free.
If they return to you, then they will be yours for all of eternity.
If they do not return, then it was never meant to be.
(alternate version)
If you love someone set them free.
If they don't come back--hunt them down and shoot them.
from I'll Think of a Reason Later
(Leann Womack, words and music by Tony Martin/Tim Nichols)
I heard he was gonna marry some girl from Denver.
Then my sister came over, had the Sunday paper with her.
There was the girl on the social page
Lookin' in love and all engaged.
We decided she don't take a very good picture.
It may be my family's redneck nature
Rubbin' off, bringin' out unlady-like behavior
It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger
But I don't like her.
She may be a angel who spends all winter
Bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner.
A regular Nobel Peace Prize winner.
But I really hate her, I'll think of a reason later.
Inside her head may lay all the answers
For curin' diseases from baldness to cancer.
Salt of the earth and a real good dancer
But I really hate her, I'll think of a reason later.
I'm pretty sure a woman wrote this...
- Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
- Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.
- Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three--one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
- Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.
- Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Attitude Problem
Mike was getting married so his father said, "On my wedding night I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.'"
She said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
So on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to his bride, "Here try these on."
She said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Don't ever forget that."
Then his bride took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."
Seeing how small they were he said, "I can't get into your pants."
She said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."
How to Get Rid of Blind Dates
- Guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone who reaches for it.
- Repeat every third third word you say say.
- Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
- Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
- Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
- Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
- Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him "What in the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
- Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
- Ask your date how much money they have with them.
- Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
- Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
- Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, etc.
- Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate.
- Go to the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Explain that they just need airing out.
- If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
- Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
- Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. Then insist that he taste a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
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