Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.


The Marriage Humor file is about minor relationship difficulties. This file is about more serious problems. The 'dark' humor does not mean that I don't like men. I have had some bad experiences with men--most notably my father, first step-father, and former husband. However, there are also some wonderful men I am privileged to have in my life--most notably my adoptive father, younger brother and best friend.
Also see The Difference Between Men and Women and Love - Another Perspective.



Quotes


Rumors

The prominent pillar of the community was reading his morning paper in the den and called out to his wife, "Elizabeth, did you read the gossip column today? Absolutely ridiculous! It says you left me. Elizabeth? Elizabeth???"


The Winner

A woman ran into her house and shouted, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
"That's great!" he replied. "Should I pack for the ocean or for the mountains?"
"I don't care," she said. "Just get the hell out.


Empty Nest

Woman to couple at a party: "So what have you been doing with yourselves now that the kids are in college?"
Wife: "Well, we did find we had a lot more time on our hands."
Husband: "So we've been spending all of it on our divorce."


Prescription required:

A lady walked into a drug store and asked for cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'd lose my license. They'd throw both of us in jail!"
The lady reached into her purse, pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the photo. "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."


Assertiveness

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The man rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing . . . you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"
"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."


Wish Granted

A man and his wife were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. A good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion thirty years younger than him.
Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety!

Gotta love that fairy!


Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


Dinner Conversation Gone Wrong

WIFE: "If I died would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not--don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With hurtful look)
HUSBAND: (loud groan)
WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."
WIFE: ---silence---
HUSBAND: "damn"


Be Careful What You Say!

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never even heard the shot . . .


The Relationship is Probably Over When...


Signs Your Divorce isn't Going Well


Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card


Men Do Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes to find that her husband is not in bed. She goes downstairs and finds him sitting at the kitchen table staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking that her husband is thinking about her. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife.
The husband continued. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?'"
I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and says . . . "I would have gotten out today."


Like His Mother Used to Do

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard . . .
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him . . .
Like his mama used to do.


Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.


Take a Walk

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.


General Review of the Sex Situation

(Dorothy Parker)

Woman wants monogamy;
Man delights in novelty.
Love is woman's moon and sun;
Man has other forms of fun.
Woman lives but in her lord;
Count to ten, and man is bored.
With this the gist and sum of it,
What earthly good can come of it?


Liberated Woman

(Jan of tlynnpoems)

I'm a liberated woman no noose around my neck
If I don't want to cook a meal I say "What the heck."
No one gripes at me if I don't do things their way
I can pick and choose any game I want to play.

No splashes on the mirror no whiskers in the sink
No one hollers at me to serve him up a drink.
I can lay around in my jamma's until noon
I can stay awake all night just looking at the moon.

I don't have to go where I do not want to go
I don't have to learn what I do not care to know.
I've had my chance to serve a master on the throne
Now I'm looking forward to being left alone.

I have a lot of friends--the kind that wears a dress
We sit around and laugh for we've all been in this mess.
We were looking for a prince but there were none around
The pond was full of frogs but a prince could not be found.

No one will ever own us or tell us what to do
No one will speak unkindly or put us in a stew.
If someone is unhappy we won't have to take the blame
It won't be our fault if someone's feeling lame.

All these things that I've been through no longer follow me
For I just got a brain and I am now set free.
Next time that I am tempted to wear a band of gold
I have the perfect excuse for I am much too old.


I Took Him Back to WalMart

My ex-husband and I fought constantly,
Why I married him, I'll never know.
For all those miserable years I said
My hubby has got to go!

Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes,
Salting his pork chops with lime.
Wiring his chair, igniting his hair
Even though playing with fire is a crime.

I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought
Of a way that would set me free!
I got rid of him for good and, know what?
They couldn't do a thing to me!

I took him back to WalMart!
They'll take anything back you know!
They said they couldn't recall selling him,
But they must have if I said so.

They just credited him to my Visa and said,
"Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?"
They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent,
I took back his mother the next year!

They'll take anything back at WalMart,
Though it's broken or rotten or sweet.
And know what else? This time of year
You don't even need a receipt!


Hormone Hostage

Everyone knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.


True Love

If you love someone, set them free.
If they return to you, then they will be yours for all of eternity.
If they do not return, then it was never meant to be.

(alternate version)

If you love someone set them free.
If they don't come back--hunt them down and shoot them.


from I'll Think of a Reason Later

(Leann Womack, words and music by Tony Martin/Tim Nichols)

I heard he was gonna marry some girl from Denver.
Then my sister came over, had the Sunday paper with her.
There was the girl on the social page
Lookin' in love and all engaged.
We decided she don't take a very good picture.

It may be my family's redneck nature
Rubbin' off, bringin' out unlady-like behavior
It sure ain't Christian to judge a stranger
But I don't like her.
She may be a angel who spends all winter
Bringin' the homeless blankets and dinner.
A regular Nobel Peace Prize winner.
But I really hate her, I'll think of a reason later.

Inside her head may lay all the answers
For curin' diseases from baldness to cancer.
Salt of the earth and a real good dancer
But I really hate her, I'll think of a reason later.


I'm pretty sure a woman wrote this...


Attitude Problem

Mike was getting married so his father said, "On my wedding night I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.'"
She said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
So on his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to his bride, "Here try these on."
She said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Don't ever forget that."
Then his bride took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here you try on mine."
Seeing how small they were he said, "I can't get into your pants."
She said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."


How to Get Rid of Blind Dates