This file has humor about various countries and regions. For humor related to a particular state see the Specific Destinations file. Also see Travel and Southern Humor.
At these Fahrenheit Temperatures:
- +65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
- +60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
- +50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
- +45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
- +40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.
- +35 Italian cars don't start. Minnesotans go swimming.
- +32 Water freezes. Canadians go swimming.
- +30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Californians weep.
- +25 Ohio water freezes. Minnesotans eat ice cream.
- +20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. Miami residents plan a vacation farther South.
- +15 French cars don't start. New York City water freezes.
- +10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
- +5 American cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping with you.
- 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.
- -5 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
- -10 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.
- -15 Miami residents cease to exist. Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Japanese cars don't start.
- -20 Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.
- -25 You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
- -30 You plan a two week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
- -35 Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button.
- -40 Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps plan a trip South.
- -50 Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the windows.
- -80 Hell freezes over. Polar bears move South. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
- -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
Heaven and Hell
Heaven is Where . . .
The chefs are Italian
The lovers are French
The police are English
The mechanics are German
And the Swiss keep the whole thing running.
Hell is Where . . .
The chefs are English
The lovers are Swiss
The police are German
The mechanics are French
And the Italians keep the whole thing running
You live in the Midwest when...
- You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
- When asked about your trip to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
And God Created the Midwest
On the sixth day, God turned to Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create an area of land called The Midwest. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have tall hills and rolling plains full of game and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and streams full of trout, forests full of deer and turkeys, valleys with fertile soil, and rivers teeming with fish. I will make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I will call these inhabitants Midwesterners, and they will be known as the most friendly people on earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Midwesterners?"
"Not really," replied God.. "Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"
Rejected but Realistic State Mottos
Literacy ain't everything, Ya want fries with dat?
We Have Electricity
At Least We're Not Mississippi
Come, Freeze Your Butt Off
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Winter Home to 150,000 Snowbirds
But It's a Dry Heat
At Least We're Not Alabama
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
Nobody's Actually From Here
Fast Reloading Lanes Available
Hey, With This Many of Us, We Can Make Anything Legal
You Can't Afford to Live Here
As Seen on TV
Too Wimpy to Cross the Mountains So We Stopped Here
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Way Too Close to New York
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Parking for DuPont Employees Only
You'll Need a Map to Find Us
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in Our Water
Give Me Your Sick, Your Old, Your Rich Retirees...
Senior Citizen Discounts Available
Come, Enjoy the Humidity
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Try Our Lei-Away Program
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Ain't Nothing Here
More Than Just Potatoes...Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes are Real Good
Land of the Voting Dead
Gateway to Iowa
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Home of David Letterman
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
It's Easy to Spell
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Hayfever Capital of the Midwest
Dole Slept Here
There's No Place Like Home
First Of the Rectangle States
Tobacco is a Vegetable
Gateway to Nashville
Swim the Beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's Just a Name, and Names Will Never Hurt You
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Welcome to Cancer Alley
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
You Can Spit on Canada From Here
If it Weren't for Washington, You Couldn't Find Us
If You Can Dream it, We Can Tax it
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Where Cars Used to Come From
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Not Sweden, But We Try to Act Like it
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes
Why Would You Want to Come Here?
Elvis was Born Here, But Heck, Even He Left
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Gateway to Kansas
Here's Mine, Show Me Yours
We Love Company
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
It's Where You're Wanted
The Unabomber State
Not Much to Look at, But We Sure Have a Lot of it
More Corn Than Kansas
Go to Kansas, Turn North
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
More Weirdos than Alaska (Warmer Too)
2 words--Death Valley
3:5 You'll Leave Broke
We Have Our Own Nuclear Testing
Two to One You Will Come Again
- New Hampshire
Like Old Hampshire, Only Newer
About as Exciting as Vermont
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
- New Jersey
Waste Not...Send it Here Instead
It's Not THAT Bad
You Want a ##$%## Motto?? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
- New Mexico
We Have Reservations
Alien Welcome Center--Roswell
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
- New York
Like We CARE about a Motto
You Have the Right to Remain Silent...
- North Carolina
We're Bigger Than South Carolina
Tobacco is a Vegetable
- North Dakota
The OTHER South Dakota
We Really ARE One of the 50 States!
Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Proud Polluters of Lake Erie
We're Easy to Spell
We Wish We Were in Michigan
I Don't Think We're in Kansas Anymore, Toto
Rather Sooner Than Later
We're OK, You're NOT!
Like the Play, Only No Singing
As Pretty as California but Not as Weird
You Can See the Sunset From Here
Spotted Owl...It's What's for Dinner
Free Lube Job With Oil Change
Land of 10,000 Potholes
Freeway On-Ramps--What's That?
Cook With Coal
- Rhode Island
Size Ain't Everything
Nobody Famous Came From Rhode Island
Enjoy it Now because it Ends in 200 Yards
Things Look Bigger in Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY an Island
- South Carolina
Settled by Prisoners, What Do You Expect
Just South of North Carolina
- South Dakota
To Rent This Space Call 1-800-SEE-COWS
Closer Than North Dakota
To Stay Here, You'd HAVE to Be a Volunteer!
A Great Fixer-Upper
The Educashun State
A Great Big Flat State
Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)
Set Your Watch Back Twenty Years
Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Bet Ya Can't Name two of Our Towns
Please Don't Confuse Us With West Virginia!
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
If We'd Meant DC, We'd Have Said DC
We Like Our State, So STAY OUT!
Home of Big Foot and Big Imaginations
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
- Washington, D.C.
Seattle is NOT Our Capital, WE are the CAPITAL!
Wanna Be Mayor?
- West Virginia
Well, it Sounded Better Than Eastern Ohio...
Come Cut Our Cheese
Land of Funny Accents
The Nation's Best Beef Cattle. Watch Where You Step.
More Elk Than People, but Not Much Traffic
Something to think about: Why is it called the tourist season if we can't shoot them?
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