Also see Kansas and Location Humor.
You know you're from KANSAS if:
- All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
- Down south means Oklahoma.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- Everyone in your family has been on a "float trip" before.
- In August, you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:00 a.m.
- A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F10 4x4 is. (Except in Johnson County)
- More than once you've made a beer run to another state.
- The terms Sooners and Huskers cause hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.
- A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
- A traffic jam is two drivers staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
- Traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to pass a combine on the highway.
- There is a highway with 318 miles and 11 curves.
- Using the elevator involves a wheat truck.
- A short trip means going to Hutch to the fair or to Abilene to Ike's museum.
- A long vacation means going to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun.
- Without thinking, you wave to all oncoming traffic.
- You are not surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition and bait all in the same store.
- You can drive 65 MPH through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
- You can properly pronounce Basehor, Cimmeron, Schoenchen, Kechi, Chautauqua, Arkalalah, and Osawatomie.
- You can see the grain elevator in the next town, which is twenty miles away.
- You can tell it's a farmer working late in his field and not a UFO.
- You carry jumper cables in your car and your significant other knows how to use them.
- Your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
- You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive your car.
- You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
- You don't have to ask, "What's a Jayhawk?"
- You end sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
- You failed geography because you thought Peru, Havana, Manhattan, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and Cuba were only cities in Kansas.
- You go to a tailgate party every Friday night.
- You go to Wal-Mart for your Saturday shopping, and look forward to it
- You had at least one summer job that was bucking bales or custom cutting.
- You have been asked, "Where is Toto?" more than once.
- You have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.
- You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
- You have never met any celebrities. (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity; he's your neighbor.)
- You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
- You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time.
- You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave both unlocked.
- You instantly know someone is from Johnson County when they call everything west of Topeka "Western" Kansas.
- You know everything goes better with Ranch.
- You know how spell "wash" but it still comes out "warsh" when spoken.
- You know in your heart that K-State can beat Oklahoma in football.
- You know several people who have hit a deer.
- You know a few people who have hit more than one deer.
- You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
- You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn, while still on the stalk.
- You know the four seasons as: summer, road construction, still summer, winter.
- You know the words to "Home on the Range."
- You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper
- You like sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.
- You lock the doors to your truck but leave the windows rolled down.
- You measure distance in minutes rather than miles.
- You no longer associate bridges or rivers with water.
- You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
- You pronounce Arkansas differently when speaking of the state or river.
- You really do think Sunflowers are beautiful.
- You see a car running in the parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
- You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
- You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
- You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
- You think of the major food groups as beer, beef, beans and Jell-O salad.
- You think people who complain about the wind and weather in their states are SISSIES!
- You think sexy lingerie is white tube socks and a flannel shirt.
- You think that opening day of the deer season should be a national holiday.
- You think the opening day of pheasant season is a national holiday.
- You went to skating parties as a kid.
- You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
- You'll pay for your kids to go to college...unless they want to go to OU or NU.
- Your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead.
- Your earliest driving lessons were in a field while picking up hay.
- Your excuse for being late is the cows got out, and the boss accepts it
- Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
- Your main drag in town is two blocks long.
- Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
- Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
- Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
- Your town has an equal number of bars and churches.
- You're proud that your state makes the national news at least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the nation.
- You're totally unfazed by a squadron of B1 bombers flying overhead.
- You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
- You've ever said, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
- You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
- You've seen all the biggest bands but ten years after they were popular.
- FINALLY...you are 100 percent Kansan if you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Kansas.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor."
"Over there I've placed a continent! of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's KANSAS, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, hills, and forests. The people from KANSAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm surrounding them with in Oklahoma, Colorado, Missouri, and Nebraska
Kansas Tourism Council Bulletin
This list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.
- That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you'll do all week at the gym. How'd you like to go home and tell your momma you got your butt kicked by a guy in bib overalls?
- It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
- We all started hunting when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
- Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked...by our women.
- Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
- Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
- If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
- That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for a shot.
- The Jayhawks and the Wildcats are as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks...and a dang sight more fun to watch.
- No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
- You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
- So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we only use two weeks a year.
- Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
- Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
- Yeah, we eat catfish, carp and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
- They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways--35 goes the other two. Pick one.
- The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. You can get breakfast at the church.
- So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
- Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
- No, we can't shoot the meadowlarks. They're song birds. Okay, even we feel a little stupid about that one.
- Now, enjoy your visit and then go home.
Kansas Temperature Conversion Chart:
- 60 Degrees above 0 -
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat
Kansas people plant gardens.
- 50 Degrees above 0 -
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Kansas people sunbathe.
- 40 Degrees above 0 -
Italian cars won't start
Kansas people drive with the windows down.
- 32 Degrees above 0 -
Distilled water freezes
Lake El Dorado's water gets thicker.
- 20 Degrees above 0 -
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats
Kansas people throw on a sweatshirt
- 15 Degrees above 0 -
New York landlords finally turn up the heat
Kansas people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
- 0 Degrees -
People in Miami cease to exist
Kansas people lick the flagpole.
- 20 Degrees below 0 -
Californians fly away to Mexico
Kansas people get out their winter coats.
- 40 Degrees below 0 -
Kansas's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
- 60 Degrees below 0 -
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica
Kansas's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
- 80 Degrees below 0 -
Mt. St. Helen's freezes
Kansas people rent some videos.
- 100 Degrees below 0 -
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole
Kansas people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
- 297 Degrees below 0 -
Microbial life survives on dairy products
Kansas cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
- 460 Degrees below 0 -
ALL atomic motion stops
Kansas people start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
- 500 Degrees below 0 -
Hell freezes over
The Kansas City Chiefs win the Super Bowl
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Kansas. Upon entering a church in Ellinwood, Kansas behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in KANSAS now . . . it's a local call."
KU versus K-State
A graduate from the University of Kansas, a graduate from Kansas State and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn.
Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."
The three proud papas agreed, and the K-State grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door.
"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked.
"No, I'm not," replied the Wildcat. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the KU kid."
After I sent this to my high school graduating class, some of whom attended each of the above schools, I got this reply:
" . . . I can see how a K-State Grad would make that decision. KU people know about DNA testing."
(NOTE: feel free to reverse the names of the school if you pass this on)
Kansas Board of Education
When the Kansas board of education decided that evolution was simply and unproven theory there was a lot of reaction from around the country. My favorite quote was a in a column by Gene Weingarten that appeared in the Washington Post.
"Memo to members of the Kansas Board of Education from God: Than you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection."
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, KSN Networks is planning to do it's own show.
The contestants will start in Wichita, travel west to Pratt, Garden City and up to Colby. From there they will head over to Hays, down to Great Bend, up through Salina and then on to Concordia. They will then proceed to Marysville down to Topeka, then south to Fort Scott and Pittsburgh, west through Independence, Arkansas City and Wellington, then back up to Wichita.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go Duke", Copenhagen is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2008", "Deer Hunting is Murder", "Say No to Budweiser", and "I'm here to Confiscate Your Guns". The first one to make it back to Wichita alive wins.
Gotta Love Those Kansas Girls
Three men were bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Colorado. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Kansas girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see just enough out of his left eye to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.