Also see Kansas and Location Humor.



You know you're from KANSAS if:


KANSAS

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God signed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor."
"Over there I've placed a continent! of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's KANSAS, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, hills, and forests. The people from KANSAS are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm surrounding them with in Oklahoma, Colorado, Missouri, and Nebraska


Kansas Tourism Council Bulletin

This list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.


Kansas Temperature Conversion Chart:


Long Distance

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Kansas. Upon entering a church in Ellinwood, Kansas behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in KANSAS now . . . it's a local call."


KU versus K-State

A graduate from the University of Kansas, a graduate from Kansas State and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn.
Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."
The three proud papas agreed, and the K-State grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door.
"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked.
"No, I'm not," replied the Wildcat. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the KU kid."

After I sent this to my high school graduating class, some of whom attended each of the above schools, I got this reply:
" . . . I can see how a K-State Grad would make that decision. KU people know about DNA testing."

(NOTE: feel free to reverse the names of the school if you pass this on)


Kansas Board of Education

When the Kansas board of education decided that evolution was simply and unproven theory there was a lot of reaction from around the country. My favorite quote was a in a column by Gene Weingarten that appeared in the Washington Post.
"Memo to members of the Kansas Board of Education from God: Than you for your support. Much obliged. Now, go forth and multiply. Beget many children. And yea, your children shall beget children. And their children shall beget children, and their children's children after them. And in time the genes that have made you such pinheads will be eliminated through natural selection."


Survivor...Kansas Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, KSN Networks is planning to do it's own show.
The contestants will start in Wichita, travel west to Pratt, Garden City and up to Colby. From there they will head over to Hays, down to Great Bend, up through Salina and then on to Concordia. They will then proceed to Marysville down to Topeka, then south to Fort Scott and Pittsburgh, west through Independence, Arkansas City and Wellington, then back up to Wichita.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read "I'm a Vegetarian", "NASCAR Sucks", "Go Duke", Copenhagen is for Idiots", "Hillary in 2008", "Deer Hunting is Murder", "Say No to Budweiser", and "I'm here to Confiscate Your Guns". The first one to make it back to Wichita alive wins.


Gotta Love Those Kansas Girls

Three men were bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Colorado. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Oklahoma. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Kansas girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see just enough out of his left eye to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.