This file includes Money and Finance Humor, Taxes, and Gambling. Also see Money and Finance, Business and Business Humor.

Money and Finance Humor

Quotes

• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• Anyone who says money can't buy happiness doesn't know where to shop.
• Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
• A banker lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
• Bankers just want to be a loan.
• Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Born to shop--not to mop!
• Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
• A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
• Buy Old Masters, they fetch a much higher price than old mistresses. (Lord Beaverbrook)
• By the time we've made it we've had it. (Malcolm Forbes)
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• A careful study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
• Direction in my life means deciding which road to take to the mall.
• Do well in school and get a good job because the more money you make the more kittens you can buy. And kittens are the root of happiness.
• Don't count your checks before they're cashed.
• Don't try to keep up with the Joneses; drag them down, it's cheaper.
• Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
• Due to inflation and food price increases the five-second rule has been extended to ten seconds.
• Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. (John Kenneth Galbraith)
• Everything I owe, I owe because of my wife.
• Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world.
• Give us the luxuries of life and we will willingly dispense with its necessities. (John Lothrop Motley)
• He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
• I am a garage sale junkie.
• I am a flea market fanatic.
• I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name. (Paula Poundstone)
• I hate when people can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.
• I have enough money to last me the rest of my life...unless I buy something!
• I used to be a banker...but I lost interest.
• I used to live paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
• I usually don't brag about going to expensive places, but I just left the gas station.
• I want it all and I want it delivered!
• I wish the buck stopped here--I could use a few.
• If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion. (George Bernard Shaw)
• If men liked shopping, they'd call it research. (Cynthia Nelms)
• If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
• If you lend someone $20, and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at those he gives it to.
• I'm not broke I'm just having an out of money experience.
• I'm spending a year ahead for tax purposes.
• Inflation is cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• Irony: People complaining about a three-dollar gallon of gas while standing in line for a 5-dollar cup of coffee.
• It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable, but now there's shipping and handling, too.
• It's been months since I ordered the book How to Scam People Online and it still hasn't arrived.
• I've been shopping all my life and still have nothing to wear!
• Lawyer to client at the reading of a will: "Being the sole survivor, I imagine this will is not quite what you expect. Now, if you'll just make out a check for $3,260..."
• Living in the past is cheaper.
• A loan at a bank can take thirty years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you’re out in ten years. Follow me for more financial advice!
• Money can't buy happiness...
  but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. (B. Vaughn)
• Money can't buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
• MONEY IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVIL -- send $9.95 for more info.
• My mom always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number". Well, I did it? My available bank balance is $9.11.
• No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
• No one appreciates thrift like an heir.
• Old bankers never die, they just cash in.
• Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
• Old investors never die, they just roll over.
• Once there was a couple so poor they could not afford a crib for their baby. They had to use the box their PlayStation 5 came in.
• A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
• A plumber visited a doctor's home, did some repair work and then presented the physician with a huge bill.
  "This is outrageous," said the M. D. "I'm a doctor and I don't earn this much!"
  "When I was a doctor," the plumber replied, "neither did I."
• The reason we can't take it with us is because it goes before we do.
• Robin Hood had to steal from the rich--the poor were broke.
• The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. (Kin Hubbard)
• Shopping: The fine art of acquiring things you don't need with money you don't have.
• Sixty percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other forty percent because their handbags are full.
• So many garage sales, so little time!
• There are a handful of people whom money won't spoil, and we all count ourselves among them. (Mignon McLaughlin)
• There are three dimensions to credit cards: length, width and debt.
• They say it's better to be poor and happy than miserable and rich, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody.
• Two can live as cheaply as one--for half as long.
• Warning: I stop at all garage sales!
• The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
• Veni, Vidi, Visa: I Came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
• What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do without?
• When I was young, I was poor. But now, after years of hard work, I'm no longer young.
• When you combine 'THE' and 'IRS', it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I don't think so.
• Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds', they already know we don't have any money?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• A woman's place is in the mall!
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it? (Steven Wright)

Poverty Increases Your Vocabulary

(Jules Feiffer)

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy, I was deprived. Then they told me deprived was a bad image, I was underprivileged. Then they told me underprivileged was overused, I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I sure have a great vocabulary.

Unpaid Loan

(author unknown)

I think that I shall never see
The dollar that I loaned to thee;

A dollar that I could have spent
On many forms of merriment.

The one I loaned to you so gladly
Is now the one I need so badly.

For whose return I had great hope
Just like an optimistic dope.

For dollars loaned to folks like thee
Are not returned to fools like me.

Where Did the Money Go?

(Robert Frost)

Never ask of money spent
Where the spender thinks it went.
Nobody was ever meant
To remember or invent
What he did with every cent.

Budget Cutting

Determined to cut the budget, our former governor directed that all state jobs remain unfilled once vacated. There were many complaints, but the classic one concerned the retirement of a drawbridge operator. When Personnel refused to fill the position, the highway-division manager called the governor's office. "Ask the governor," he told an aide, "whether he wants the bridge left down so the cars can go over--or up so the ships can go through."

Happy Anniversary

We had been experiencing financial difficulties, and worry often dampened our normal high spirits. But the gloom was lifted on our wedding anniversary. That day, my husband woke me with a beautiful tray, handed me a single rose and a hand-drawn card with the inscription: "Happy Anniversary, darling! In lieu of a gift, contributions have been made in your name to the electric company, the phone company and three department stores."

Pinching Pennies

(Reader's Digest)

An elderly couple had raised four children on the farm they homesteaded and had survived through the dust bowl days of the Great Depression. They practiced not buying anything they could live without for three days. Better times came, but they continued to practice their frugality.
A few months after the wife died, the husband was visited by a TV salesman. The salesman said, "You must be lonely. A TV would be a great source of companionship."
The man was not interested.
"But, Mr. Harris," the salesman persisted, "you may as well spend your money. You can't take it with you."
"Can't take a TV set, neither." Snapped the man.

Stumpy and the Plane

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Martha always replied, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Stumpy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

What part of dead...

(author unknown)

Me: "I am calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
Credit Card Company: "Well, sir, the account was never closed, so the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections . . ."
Credit Card Company: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Credit Card Company: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau . . . maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Credit Card Company: " . . . excuse me . . .?"
Me: "Did you get what I was just telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
Credit Card Company: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: 'I'm calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."
Credit Card Company: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Credit Card Company: "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info is given.)
Credit Card Company: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
(After they get the fax. )
Credit Card Company: "Our system just isn't setup for death . . ."
Me: "Oh . . ."
Credit Card Company: "I don't know what more I can do to help . . ."
Me: "Well . . . if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her . . . I suppose . . . I don't really think she will care . . ."
Credit Card Company: "Well . . . the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
Credit Card Company: "Yes, that might help."
Me: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery, 2450 Highway 129, Plot #189 . . .
Credit Card Company: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "Well, what do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Credit Card Company: (Click!)

Gambling

• Citizen to state lottery commissioner: "What do you do with all the money you take in?"
  Commissioner: "It goes to education."
  Citizen: "That could be a big mistake."
  Commissioner: "Why?"
  Citizen: "Once they get smart enough to figure out the odds, they'll quit playing."
• Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something. (Wilson Mizner)
• Gaming corrupts our disposition and teaches us a habit of hostility against all mankind. (President Thomas Jefferson)
• He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. (Mark Twain)
• The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself. (Nick Dandalos)
• I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. (Fran Lebowitz)
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If there weren't luck involved, I guess I'd win everyone. (Phil Helmuth, World Series of Poker Champion)
• If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference? (Blackie Sherrod)
• I'm only working here until I win the lottery!
• In a bet there is a fool and a thief. (Proverb)
• Las Vegas is a monument to the Mafia's ability to cater to the lowest forms of lust in the souls of American people, to give the suckers what they want. It is the biggest joke that's ever been played on the people of the USA. (Thomas Perry)
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
• Nobody is always a winner, and anybody who says he is, is either a liar or doesn't play poker. (Amarillo Slim)
• Please Lord, Let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me!
• The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
• Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
• Sometimes the best play is to pass. (Russ Culver)
• There is an easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. (Jack Yelton)
• Trust everyone--but always cut the cards. (W. C. Fields)
• When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience will leave with the money and the man who had the money will leave with experience.

Songs about Gambling

• Casino Tan - B.J. Cole (2004)
• Cutters, Dealers, Cheaters - Janet Bean (2003)
• Deal Me a Hand - Bill Haley and His Saddlemen (1950)
• Deal Me in - The O'Kaysions (1968)
• Dealin' From the Bottom of the Deck - Lonesome Sundown (1977)
• Della and the Dealer - Hoyt Axton (1979)
• Double or Nothing - Johnny Taylor (1968)
• Every Time I Roll the Dice - Delbert McClinton (1992)
• Five Will Get You Ten - We Five (1967)
• Gambler, The - Kenny Rogers (1979)
• Gambler's Game - Neil Stevens (1959)
• Gambler's Guitar - Rusty Draper (1953)
• Gambler's Love - Rose Maddox (1959)
• Go Down Gamblin' - Blood Sweat and Tears (1971)
• Kentucky Gambler - Merle Haggard (1974)
• Loaded Pistols and Loaded Dice - Gene Autry (1948)
• Louisiana Lou and Three-Card Monty John - Allman Brothers (1975)
• Moonlight Gambler - Frankie Laine (1956)
• Pair of Loaded Dice - Jim Glaser (1966)
• Playin' Dominoes and Shootin' Dice - Jimmie Dolan (1953)
• Ramblin' Gamblin' Man - Bob Seger (1968)
• Riverboat Gambler - Jimmie Skinner (1960)
• Riverboat Gamblers - Conway Twitty (1986)
• Roll the Dice - The Commander Cody Band (1980)
• Rollin' the Dice - Jim Lauderdale (2002)
• Rolling Dice - Davin James and the Bullnettle Band (2001)
• Sebbin Come Elebbin - Jimmy Heap (1955)
• Seven Come Eleven - Rusty Draper (1957)
• Seven or Eleven - Hank Locklin (1956)
• Snake Eyes - John Paul Jones (1999)
• Sometimes You Gamble - Kim Simmonds (2001)
• Son of a Rotten Gambler - Anne Murray (1974)
• Take a Gamble on Me - The Maddox Brothers and Rose (1957)
• Tumbling Dice - The Rolling Stones (1972)
• Whiskey, Women and Loaded Dice - Jack Cardwell (1954)

Taxes

Quotes About Taxes

• Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription--please remove me from your mailing list.
• Doesn't it seem like your paycheck has turned into a receipt for your payroll deductions.
• Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
• The IRS sent my tax return back! Again! I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents". I replied: "12 million illegal immigrants, 3 million crack heads, 42 million unemployable people on food stamps, 2 million people in prison, 535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate." Apparently, this was not an acceptable answer.
• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
• I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work five days a week and the government spends seven.
• If your tax refund is more than you paid in taxes, you aren’t getting your taxes back, you're getting other peoples' taxes back!
• Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before. (Art Buchwald)
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so great, either!
• Taxpayers--people who don't have to pass a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
• When NASA discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity their scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface and at most temperatures. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again, enjoy paying them.

Songs about Taxes

• After Taxes - Cab Calloway Orchestra (1966)
• Charlie Cheated on His Income Tax - Homer and Jethro (1965)
• Death and Taxes - Melissa Price (2008)
• Death and Taxes and Me Lovin' You - Patsy Cole (1989)
• Doin' My Taxes - Ritt Henn (1996)
• Final Joint Return - Jeanie Stahl (1987)
• Income Tax Blues - Ralph Willis (1953)
• Luxury Tax - Rick Ross (2008)
• Tax Collector - Maestro Trytony (2004)
• Tax Day - The Mystic Cowboys (2009)
• Tax Deductible - Steven Zelin (2008)
• Tax Free - Joni Mitchell (2004)
• Tax Payers Blues - Gary Callahan (2006)
• Tax Trouble - Anthony Sapp (2001)
• Taxes, Troubles and Heartaches - Chris Warner (2009)
• Your Tax Dollars at Work - John Hartford (1994)

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

(author unknown)

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees understand their paychecks:

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
Your Boss

Re: IRS

This is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.

Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year, she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at fourteen will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is ten going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/ reggae/yuppie/ political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of 'nests' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

Pay Your Taxes

Five million older Americans did not sign up for their Medicare, Part D, drug plan on time. We did NOT grant them an extension even though they are old and some are confused. However, more than twelve million illegal aliens are in our country and we are allowing them to stay, protest, procreate, receive support monies, attend schools, avoid paying income taxes, and we pay teachers to take many hours of ESL (English as a Second Language) training at our expense. We must really dislike our old people! Don't forget to pay your taxes . . . millions of illegal aliens are depending on you!

Money Trivia

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins you can have without being able to make change for a dollar.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. To illustrate that you need 4 quarters, 10 dimes, 20 nickels and 100 pennies.