Also see Humorous Business Quotes, Business and Finance Humor.



Recent Mergers


I Love My Job

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

I love my job, I love the pay,
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best.
I love HIS boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, so drab and gray,
And love those paper piles each day.

I love my chair in my padded cell;
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and all its ware;
I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file;
I even try using it once in a while.

I'm happy to be here, I am, I am . . .
I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores;
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job and I'll say it again,
I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today,
In lovely white coats to take me away!


At Your Service!

I thought the word 'service' meant "the act of doing things for others."
But when I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
I became confused. Then I overheard a farmer say that he was having a bull over to 'service' a few of his cows. Instantly it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.


Indicators That Your Employer Changed to a Cheaper Health Care Plan

10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7) The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day".
5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4) "The patient is responsible for 200 percent of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.
3) The only expense covered 100 percent is embalming.
2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
And the Number One Sign:
1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.


Rejected (but appropriate) Slogans


Physical Fitness

Notice: This department requires no physical fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions
flying off the handle
running down the boss
stabbing friends in the back
dodging responsibility, and
pushing their luck.


Motivation

After attending a job-enrichment seminar, a supervisor decided that some of the suggested techniques could help combat his company's productivity problem. He invited an employee to his office and told him that he now would be allowed to plan, carry out and control his own job. The wanted 'satisfiers' would be introduced into the man's job.
The worker asked if he would get more money. The supervisor replied, "No. Money is not a motivator and you will not be satisfied if I give you more pay."
Once again, the employee asked. "Well, if I do what you want, will I get more pay?"
The supervisor answered, "No. You need to understand the motivation theory. Take this book home and read it. Tomorrow we'll get together and I'll explain once again what will really motivate you."
As the man was leaving, he turned back and asked, "Well, if I read this book, will I get more money?"


Who's Really Important

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria to eat, but don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"


When you have an 'I hate my job' day, try this...

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a nice day, and remember . . . there is always someone with a worse job than yours.


Overworked

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work--you and me . . . and you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.


Management Speak Translation


Corporate Terminology


The Advantages of Being a Temp


Signs Your Coworker is About to Go Postal


The Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle


Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker


The Worst Excuses for Being Late to Work


Prison Versus Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard opens and closes all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and open doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you pay expenses to go to work and they deduct taxes to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside the bars.
In prison you can join many programs, which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are sometimes sadistic.
At work we have managers who are always sadistic.


You Know You're a High Tech Worker If...


The Lion and the Ant

Every day a small ant arrives at work early and starts working immediately. She produces a lot and is happy. The chief, a lion, is surprised to see that the ant is working without supervision. He decides that if the ant can produce so much without supervision, she should be able to produce even more if she had a supervisor. The lion recruits a cockroach who has experience as a supervisor and writes excellent reports.
The roach's first decision is to set up a clock in system. He also hired a secretary to help him write his reports and he recruited a spider to manage the archives and monitor phone calls.
The lion was delighted with the roach's reports and asked him to create graphs of production rates to use as presentations at board meetings. The roach had to buy a computer and a laser printer and recruited a fly to manage the IT department.
The department where the ant works is now a sad place where nobody laughs and where everybody is upset. The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated all the new paperwork and the meetings that used up so much of her time.
The lion concluded it was time to put someone in charge of the department where the ant worked. The position was given to the cicada, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office. The cicada also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimization Plan.
Having reviewed the charges for running the ant's department, the lion found out that production was much less than before. So he recruited the owl, a renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions. The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report that concluded the department was overstaffed.
Guess who the lion fires first. The ant, of course, because she "showed a lack of motivation and had a negative attitude."
And that explains why we are still in a recession and why it's a bad time to be an ant.