Also see Humorous Business Quotes, Business and Finance Humor.
- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers are now Fairwell Honeychild
- Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler are now Poly-Warner-Cracker
- 3M and Goodyear are now mmmGood
- John Deere and Abitibi-Price are now Deere Abi
- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil are now Honey, I'm Home
- Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining are now Mine, All Mine
- Xerox and Wurlitzer - no name yet, but they're going to make reproductive organs.
- Knott's Berry Farm and National Organization of Women are now Knott NOW!
- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining are now Zip Audi Do-Da
I Love My Job
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)
I love my job, I love the pay,
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss and he's the best.
I love HIS boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to take vacation.
I love my desk, so drab and gray,
And love those paper piles each day.
I love my chair in my padded cell;
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers.
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and all its ware;
I hug it often to show I care.
I love each program and every file;
I even try using it once in a while.
I'm happy to be here, I am, I am . . .
I'm the happiest slave to my Uncle Sam.
I love this work; I love these chores;
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job and I'll say it again,
I even love these friendly men:
These men who've come to visit today,
In lovely white coats to take me away!
At Your Service!
I thought the word 'service' meant "the act of doing things for others."
But when I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
I became confused. Then I overheard a farmer say that he was having a bull over to 'service' a few of his cows. Instantly it all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.
I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
Indicators That Your Employer Changed to a Cheaper Health Care Plan
10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7) The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day".
5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4) "The patient is responsible for 200 percent of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.
3) The only expense covered 100 percent is embalming.
2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
And the Number One Sign:
1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Rejected (but appropriate) Slogans
- Microsoft: How much are you going to pay today?
- MTV: Loud and easy to spell.
- Saks 5th Avenue: You could shop here if you're poor, but that would be stupid!
- Nike: Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!
- Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.
- Canon Photocopiers: Quit calling them Xeroxes!
- Apple MacIntosh: Hey, we thought of it first!
- Radio Shack: You've got questions, we've got geek losers!
Notice: This department requires no physical fitness program.
Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions
flying off the handle
running down the boss
stabbing friends in the back
dodging responsibility, and
pushing their luck.
After attending a job-enrichment seminar, a supervisor decided that some of the suggested techniques could help combat his company's productivity problem. He invited an employee to his office and told him that he now would be allowed to plan, carry out and control his own job. The wanted 'satisfiers' would be introduced into the man's job.
The worker asked if he would get more money. The supervisor replied, "No. Money is not a motivator and you will not be satisfied if I give you more pay."
Once again, the employee asked. "Well, if I do what you want, will I get more pay?"
The supervisor answered, "No. You need to understand the motivation theory. Take this book home and read it. Tomorrow we'll get together and I'll explain once again what will really motivate you."
As the man was leaving, he turned back and asked, "Well, if I read this book, will I get more money?"
Who's Really Important
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria to eat, but don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
When you have an 'I hate my job' day, try this...
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a nice day, and remember . . . there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work--you and me . . . and you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
Management Speak Translation
- That's very interesting...
- I don't disagree...
- I don't totally disagree with you...
You may be right, but I don't care.
- You have to show some flexibility...
You have to do it whether you want to or not.
- We have an opportunity...
You have a problem.
- You obviously put a lot of work into this...
This is awful.
- Help me to understand...
I don't know what you're talking about, and I don't think you do either.
- You just don't understand our business...
We don't understand our business.
- You need to see the big picture...
My boss thinks it's a good idea.
- We're going to follow a strict methodology here...
We're going to do it my way.
- I didn't understand the e-mail you sent, can you give me a quick summary...
I still can't figure out how to start the e-mail program.
- We have to leverage our resources...
You're working weekends.
- Wrong answer...
You didn't tell me what I wanted to hear.
- You needed to be more proactive...
You should have protected me from myself.
- We need to syndicate this decision...
We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
- We have to put on our marketing hats...
We have to put ethics aside.
- It's not possible. It's impractical. It won't work...
I don't know how to do it.
- It's a no-brainer...
It's a perfect decision for me to handle.
- I'm glad you asked me that...
Public relations has written a carefully phrased answer.
- There are larger issues at stake...
I've made up my mind so don't bother me with the facts.
- I'll never lie to you...
The truth will change frequently.
- The reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees...
The reductions will benefit me.
- 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found.". Used as in: "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
- ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
- ALPHA GEEK - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
- BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
- CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
- CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
- CLM - Career Limiting Move - Ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
- CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
- DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Voice mail message: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance."
- DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
- FLIGHT RISK - Employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
- GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are the same, no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
- G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job taken to pay off debts, - they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
- MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
- OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - Whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
- PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
- SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
- STRESS PUPPY - A person who thrives on being stressed out and whiny.
- SWIPED OUT - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get out of work. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
- TREEWARE - Documentation or other printed material.
- UMFRIEND - A concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my...um...friend."
- XEROX SUBSIDY - Swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
The Advantages of Being a Temp
- You're only lending your soul, not selling it.
- You won't be there when the fruits of your labor turn rotten.
- Trying on a different personality at each new job site.
- You don't have to contribute for co-workers' weddings or children's fund-raising efforts.
- No one gives you clothes with the company logo and then expects you to wear them.
- Overtime at time and a half!
- Leaving at 4:30.
- Eight Words: It was like that when I got here.
- You get to hear the words, 'Good job' and, 'Please stay' frequently.
- You don't give a damn what the stock is doing.
- It's like being the only lemming in the group with a parachute...
Signs Your Coworker is About to Go Postal
- New pickup line: "You'd be the hostage I kept till the end."
- His new "365 Ways to Go Berserk" desk calendar.
- The company newsletter on his bulletin board has push-pins through everyone's faces.
- His molar grinding is actually causing sparks.
- He suggests replacing "Casual Day" with "Wear a Bull's-eye T-shirt Day."
- Whenever you ask how he's doing, he always says, "Gruntled." Except today.
- He discreetly shows you the staple gun he's converted to fully automatic.
- He's the only one at work smiling.
The Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
- Being told to 'Think Outside the Box' when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!
- Not being able to check E-mail without first seeing who is behind me.
- Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from gun fire.
- That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
- Walls too close together for a hammock.
- Women: Almost impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
- Men: Co-workers stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.
- Twenty-three power cords, one outlet
- Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
- When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
- Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
- You always feel like someone is watching you--but when you turn to look they're gone
Signs Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker
- You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
- He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
- When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
- Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
- Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
- Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie The Net.
- Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
- His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
- You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
The Worst Excuses for Being Late to Work
- Actually, I've been here for over twenty minutes--I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.
- I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line we're on.
- We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?
- It took this long to get my blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.
- I was on the phone trying to get *your* lousy shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.
- Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're strung out on crystal meth.
- I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you--uh--this box of ten donuts.
- It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning...Sir.
Prison Versus Work
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison a guard opens and closes all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and open doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you pay expenses to go to work and they deduct taxes to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside the bars.
In prison you can join many programs, which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are sometimes sadistic.
At work we have managers who are always sadistic.
You Know You're a High Tech Worker If...
- Change is the norm.
- Communication is something your group is having problems with.
- Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cubical.
- Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
- During outside-of-work social activities, co-workers outnumber your family members.
- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
- It's dark when you drive to and from work.
- Salaries of members of the Executive Board are higher than all developing countries' GNP combined.
- Vacation is something you get a check for every January.
- Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
- You get really excited about a two percent pay raise.
- You have every Cup-A-Soup brand known to man in your desk drawer.
- You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.
- You learn about your layoff on CNN.
- You must fill in your own job performance evaluations because no one else knows what you do. Besides, the HR Department was outsourced last month.
- You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
- You sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
- You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
- You're already late on the work task you just got.
- Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," and "I have an opportunity for you."
- Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you receive them.
- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
- Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with telephones."
- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
- Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
- You read this entire list and understood it.
The Lion and the Ant
Every day a small ant arrives at work early and starts working immediately. She produces a lot and is happy.
The chief, a lion, is surprised to see that the ant is working without supervision. He decides that if the ant can produce so much without supervision, she should be able to produce even more if she had a supervisor. The lion recruits a cockroach who has experience as a supervisor and writes excellent reports.
The roach's first decision is to set up a clock in system. He also hired a secretary to help him write his reports and he recruited a spider to manage the archives and monitor phone calls.
The lion was delighted with the roach's reports and asked him to create graphs of production rates to use as presentations at board meetings. The roach had to buy a computer and a laser printer and recruited a fly to manage the IT department.
The department where the ant works is now a sad place where nobody laughs and where everybody is upset. The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated all the new paperwork and the meetings that used up so much of her time.
The lion concluded it was time to put someone in charge of the department where the ant worked. The position was given to the cicada, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office. The cicada also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimization Plan.
Having reviewed the charges for running the ant's department, the lion found out that production was much less than before. So he recruited the owl, a renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions. The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report that concluded the department was overstaffed.
Guess who the lion fires first. The ant, of course, because she "showed a lack of motivation and had a negative attitude."
And that explains why we are still in a recession and why it's a bad time to be an ant.