Also see Domestic Engineering, Men and Women, Relationship Humor, and Parenting.

A Long Life and a Merry One

(Georgie Starbuck Gailbraith)

Oh, women live longer than men,
So clearly it's up to a wife
To shield her protector, then,
From the stress of domestic life.
She must send her lord to the daily grind
Armored with shining peace of mind,
And cope with the cares that her day may hold,
Junior seems to be taking a cold,
And the baby's raising an awful fuss . . .
"Get going you kids, or you'll miss the bus!" . . .
And the plumbing clogs and the washer quits
After tearing a brand new sheet to bits,
And the door-bell shrills and the telephone shrieks,
And it starts to rain and the back porch leaks,
And the kids come home and behave like weasels,
And Junior's cold's not a cold, it's measles . . .

Yes, women live longer than men,
Or that's what the experts say.
And women can tell you when
It certainly seems that way!

Oh, Promise Me!

(Nelda Wood Martin)

When he was courting
He promised me gold,
And all the furs
My arms could hold.

The world, so he said
He would lay at my feet,
I scarcely believed
But it's true and complete:

I have a gold filling,
(Third molar, I think)
And a purring old cat
With fur soft as mink.

The world he tracks in
All over the room,
And I sweep it out
Ahead of my broom.

Secret of a Happy Marriage

(Ogden Nash)

To keep your marriage brimming,
with love in the wedding cup,
whenever you're wrong, admit it;
whenever you're right, shut up.

It Isn't the Principle of the Thing

(Gerogie Starbuck Galbraith)

I don't, my darling, as you aver,
Insist on being right.
However badly my views may err,
I do know black from white.
So though my feminine ego's strong,
I can yield with grace and say
I'm perfectly willing to be wrong
So long as I get my way.

The Secret of a Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for sixty years. They kept no secrets from each other except a shoebox the woman had in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask about.
However, one day the woman got sick and the doctor said she would not recover. The man got the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
She said, "When we were to be married, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in sixty years. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling doilies."

It's Nice to Have a Husband by Your Side

Over the years,
When the sink overflowed,
Or the car ran out of gas,
Or the lady who comes every Tuesday to clean didn't come,
Or I felt pudgy,
Or misunderstood,
Or inferior to Marilyn Kaufman who is not only a pediatric surgeon
but also a very fine person as well as beautiful,
Or I fell in the creek and got soaked on
our first family camping trip,
Or mosquitoes ate me alive on
our first family camping trip,
Or I walked through a patch of what later turned out to be
plenty of poison ivy on what later turned out to be
our last family camping trip,
Or my sweater shrank in the wash,
Or I stepped on my glasses,
Or the keys that I swear on my children's head I put on the dresser
weren't there,
Or I felt depressed,
Or unfulfilled,
Or inferior to Ellen Jane Garver who not only teaches constitutional law
but is also a wit plus sexually insatiable,
Or they lost our luggage,
Or our reservations,
Or two of the engines,
Or the rinse that was going to give my hair some subtle copper highlights
turned it purple,
Or my mother-in-law got insulted at something I said,
Or my stomach go upset at something I ate,
Or I backed into a truck that I swear when I looked in my rearview mirror
wasn't parked there ,
Or I suffered from some other blow of fate,
It's always been so nice to have my husband by my side
so I could blame him.

How to Look After Your Husband

(This was passed on to me as a "genuine extract from a 1950 Home Economics Book". It may have been changed a little, but it does reflect the general feeling of the time.)

Modern Day Chain Letter

(from Readers Digest)

Dear Friend,
This chain letter was started by a woman like yourself, in hope of bringing relief to tired, disconnected women.
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost you anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your female friends who are equally tired. Then bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name is at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom.
When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,748 men, and some of them will be dandies, I assure you!
Have faith and don't break the chain . . . (One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back!)

Spicing Things Up

The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude toward him, and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his lovemaking.
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet--even if it is right inside the door."
At the next consultation the advisor was pleased to hear that the husband had followed instructions. "And how did she react?" the consultant asked.
"Well, to tell the truth," the husband replied, "she was still sort of indifferent; but her bridge club went absolutely wild!"


A couple were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung. Don was annoyed at Debby's indifference to what he felt was a poor job.
"The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," he finally said to her.
"Exactly!" she replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry...

Except when it's your fault.
Or when it's his fault but he's too immature to admit it.
Or when it's the children's fault but he's holding you responsible.
Or when it's nobody's fault but he's looking for a scapegoat.
Or when...

Proposal Gone Wrong

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

Miscellaneous Jokes

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