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Also see Marriage Humor, Fathers, Father Poems, and Men Song List.
(compiled by Denny Davis)
(Make an album for the man in your life)
A abundance of love, ambitious, absolutely adorable, amazing, admirable, affectionate, adventurous, athletic, afternoon delight, always yours, awesome, award winning, authentic, active, agreeable, amusing, accomplished, ambitious
B basketball, baseball, bashful at times, big-hearted, bold, brilliant, best friend, big boy toys, brave, best there is, believable, born to be wild, boots, beer, brawny, bread winner
C captivating, clever, classy, compassionate, considerate, conscientious, cute, caring, concerned, comforting, charitable, car racing, courageous, cheerful, confident, cooperative, capable, cars, computer, cuddly, champion, charming, center of my world, close to my heart
D daredevil, determined, diligent, dashing, delightful, darling, dependable, dear, diligent, determined, driver, dynamic, deserving, decisive, dreamer
E easy-going, encouraging, eccentric, enterprising, effective, enlightening, excellent, enthusiastic, exciting, emotional, electronics, ethical, easy to love, endearing, energetic, even-tempered, explorer, extraordinary, expressive
F fair, faithful, first-class, fun, funny, fantastic, friendly, forgiving, full of life, fun loving, fix-it man, friendly, football, fishing, friend, faith, fortunate to be a part of your life, first kiss, forever, favorite ____, fearless
G giving, good, gifted, great, generous, go-getter, genius, genuine, good-natured, gentle, gentleman, goofy, golf, gorgeous, gracious
H honest, helpful, handy, humble, happy, hero, hugs, healthy, hearty, heavenly, hobbies, hunting, hilarious, handsome, hockey, hard working, holding hands, humorous
I ideal, inspiration, incredible, important, imaginative, irresistible, intent, industrious, intelligent, integrity, insightful, invincible, I love you, interesting, inventive, independent
J joyful, jolly, jovial, jubilant, jack-of-all-trades, just ____, jazzy, jokester, jock, jeans (that look SO good on you!), just the two of us
K kind, kissable, keen, keeping your cool, kindhearted, knowledgeable, knockout
L loving, love of my life, laughter, lucky me knowing you, lovable, likable, luscious, loyal, listener, logical, lover, lively, light of my life, leader
M manly, masculine, magnanimous, mature, muscular, mischievous, mellow, moral, macho, miraculous, memories, magic moments, motorcycles, magical, mysterious
N neat, nice, noble, nutty, naturally ____, not judgmental, nicknames, nonstop ____
O original, objective, obliging, observant, open-minded, organized, original, optimistic, outgoing, oodles of _____, outstanding, outdoorsman, outspoken, one and only, only you
P patient, provider, playful, pleasing, perfect, perceptive, perfect (almost!), precious, patient, pleasant, positive, practical, passionate, p.s. I love you, pickup truck
Q quite _____, quick thinking, questions you answer, quiet time, qualities I admire, quizzical, quirky
R romantic, ray of sunshine, remembering, responsible, reliable, reasonable, remote control, remarkable, risk taker, rugged, ready for ____, relaxed, respected, respectful
S sacrificing, sweet, silly, smiling, sensitive, super, sensational, stable, skillful, strong, sensible, sympathetic, sharing, soccer, sports fan, super, special to me, strong-minded, stubborn, shy, smart, spirited, soul mate, sentimental, sexy, sincere, spontaneous
T trusting, truthful, tenacious, terrific, trustworthy, thoughtful, tender, tools, thrilling, together forever, true love, talented, talkative, tireless
U ultimate, upbeat, ultra ___, unselfish, understanding, unique, unusual, unforgettable, unmistakably _____, unstoppable
V vain, vibrant, valiant, volunteer, values, video games, very ____, vehicles, vocal about ____
W wise, witty, work, wonderful, wise, witty, worthy, willing, warm, warm-hearted, whimsical, we belong together, WOW!, winner
X XXXOOOXXX (kisses and hugs for you), eXtra special, eXtraordinary, eXcellent, x-pert, eXciting, eXperience, relaXation,
Y young at heart, youthful, yard work, you and you alone, you are ____
Z zany, zestful, zealous, zippy, Zillions of things I love about you
Also--friends, favorites, special events, occupation, hobbies, etc.
Ever wonder why a woman wearing leather causes a man's heart beat quicker, his throat get dry, his knees get weak and his thoughts to become irrational?
Answer: Because she smells like a new truck.
Woman was created from the rib of man.
She was not made from his head to top him,
nor out of his feet to be trampled upon,
but out of his side, to be equal to him;
under his arm, to be protected;
and near his heart, to be loved.
Albums are great gifts for the men in your life. They can be for sports or hobbies--hunting, fishing, bicycling, etc; things the man is interested in--cars or spectator sports; or a career album. Most men really enjoy this kind of gift but it can have other benefits as well. It can be a way to get a man interested in scrapbooking (ask him to help select the photos or help with the journaling). It also can be a good way to avoid having photos of dead deer, cars, etc. in your family album.
(from Reader's Digest)
Did you ever get the feeling that you personally are holding the whole world together, that if you relax for a minute everything will go flying off into space?
Take the other night. I felt a draft, traced it and found the back door open. I was about to shut it, when I noticed that the outside light was on. The light revealed that the twin cellar doors were also open. I went outside and when I bent down to close the doors, I saw that one of the children had left a basement light on.
When I clattered down the steps to put out the light, I noticed that my cellar workroom light was also on. I walked back to get that one and discovered that a clock I was working on had stopped. I got it started, then found a puddle of water on the floor. I wiped it up, and on my way out I found that a dripping overhead faucet was the source of the water.
I tightened the wheel, but the drip persisted. I traced the water line back to the nearest cut-off valve, closed it, and then replaced the washer on the faucet. I managed at the same time to open a small cut on my finger. I went back to the workroom for an adhesive strip. There was one left. I applied it, and then went upstairs, and brought new adhesive patches down to the cellar for future emergencies.
I wasn't through yet. While in the bathroom I had noticed that we were out of toilet paper, so I trudged up to the second-floor linen closet and dug out a roll. I was crossing the kitchen with the toilet paper when my wife asked, "Where have you been all evening?"
"Closing the back door," I explained.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for seventeen months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. It doesn't matter which quiz.
1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie who said, "I will grant you one wish!"
The thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm afraid to fly. Could you build a bridge so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, I wish I could understand women. Know what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they are crying, know what they want when the say 'nothing' . . ."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
(by Dave Barry)
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example, if you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express truck!"
The situation is very different with women.
When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was nineteen years old. This will be some arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size five at age 19, she wants to be a size five now, and if a size five outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can't! Her size is 5! So she will keep trying on size five items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy.
She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
"Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and . . . " "Am I fat?" she'll ask, cutting him off.
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood, and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit. She said this made her feel wonderful. She said, and this is a direct quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big (here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."
Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words "SIZE 2." I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.
A man and woman are getting snugly in bed. The passion is heating up when the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The guy says "WHAT??"
The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells her to take all three. They get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it get it."
The woman is so excited she cannot believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
The woman's face goes blank.
He continues, "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. A beautiful woman took the seat beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation he said, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Nymphomaniacs Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. A gorgeous woman was sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I will be using my personal experience to debunk some of popular myths about male sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one myth is that African American men are usually the most well-endowed, when in fact it is the Native American. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. I have also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldberg, but my friends call me Bubba."
When a man goes to a prostitute, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.