This file has humorous quotes about life. Also see That's Life. You will see some duplication of things in that file because some quote are part funny and part serious.

Quotes

• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
• Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
• Always put off until tomorrow the things you should not do today.
• Always take the scenic route!
• Always try to do things in chronological order. It's less confusing that way.
• The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. (Marcus Aurelius)
• Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• Courage is knowing it might hurt and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that's why life is hard. (Jeremy Goldberg)
• Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
• Don't let anyone else ruin your day. It's your day, ruin it yourself!
• Don't take life too seriously...it's not permanent.
• Each day, and the living of it, has to be a conscious creation in which discipline and order are relieved with some play and pure foolishness. (Mary Sarton)
• The enthusiastic to those who are not, are always something of a trial. (Allen Goodin)
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. (Robert Frost)
• Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
• He who hesitates is sometimes saved. (James Thurber)
• Help someone when they're in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
• Humility is such an elusive thing. Just when you think you've got it, you've lost it.
• I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. (E. B. White)
• I can please only one person per day.
  Today is not your day.
  Tomorrow's not looking good either.
• I can't figure out if life is passing me by or trying to run me over.
• I chose the road less traveled--now where the heck am I?
• I do all my own stunts – but never intentionally.
• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
• I have seen the future and it's like the present, only longer. (Dan Quisenberry)
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. (G.K. Chesterton)
• I realize that there are other people who have days stranger than mine. I don't know them. I don't know anyone who knows them. But I'm sure they're out there. Somewhere. (Sarah Hoffman)
• I think I've discovered the secret of life--you just hang around until you get used to it. (Charles Schulz)
• I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
• I used to have a handle on life; then it broke!
• I wish my life had background music so I could understand what the hell is going on.
• If all the world's a stage, I want better lighting.
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If life hands you melons you might be dyslexic.
• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
• If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes. (H. Ross Perot)
• If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"
• In many cases the person who gives advice hasn't tried it himself and wishes to see it tested to see if it really works.
• It's a pity, but owing to the pull of gravity, it takes less energy to open the mouth than to close it.
• It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• I've done so much, with so little, for so long, that I can do almost anything, with nothing, in no time flat.
• I'm not breaking the rules...I'm just testing their elasticity.
• I'm trying to eliminate negativity from my life . . . therefore Mondays are now "Taco Tuesday Eve".
• Life doesn't necessarily happen in chronological order. (Douglas Adams)
• Life is a cement trampoline. (Howard Nordberg)
• Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving.
• Life is fragile. Handle it with awe.
• Life is a heredity disease.
• Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as you go along.
• Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving all pretty and preserved, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming..."WOW! What a ride!"
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Life is terribly time consuming.
• Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises. (Samuel Butler)
• Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
• Life is wonderful. Without it we'd all be dead!
• Live now...procrastinate tomorrow!
• Lives...Get One!
• Most men take the straight and narrow. A few take the road less traveled. I chose to cut through the woods.
• My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. (Ashleigh Brilliant)
• My life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
• My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring.
• Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
• No trumpets sound when the important decisions of our life are made. Destiny is made known silently. (Agnes De Mille)
• Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.
• Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• Only with winter-patience can we bring The deep-desired, long-awaited spring. (Anne Morrow Lindbergh)
• People are peculiar--they want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the middle of the road.
• People who invited trouble always complain when it accepts. (Lane Olinghouse)
• The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose (Richard Leider)
• Question: How much faith do you have in the human race?
  Me: I look both ways at roundabouts.
• Remember when you were little and you'd fall on the trampoline and everyone else would keep jumping so you couldn't get back up? That's how adult life feels.
• Repeal Murphy's Law!
• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. (Oscar Wilde)
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• Some of us are like wheelbarrows...only useful when pushed, and very easily upset. (Jack Herbert)
• Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.
• Sometimes I have to tell myself it's just not worth the jail time.
• Sometimes my overzealous nature is awkward as hell, and I forget that other people aren't in my head. (Tony Blosser)
• There are whole years for which I hope I'll never be cross-examined, for I could not give an alibi.
• They say it's not good to put all your eggs in one basket... but suppose you've only got one basket!
• This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me!
• To the people who lose one shoe on the highway: Please tell me what the rest of your life is like.
• Today is the last day of your life, so far.
• Was today really necessary?
• We are not all in the same boat. We are all in the same storm. Some have yachts, some canoes, and some are drowning. Just be kind and help whoever you can.
• We keep passing unseen through little moments of other people's lives. (Robert M. Pirsig)
• We learn the rope of life by untying it's knots.
• What we do today, will be echoed in eternities to come.
• When dealing with difficult people remember that as hard as it is to be with them, just be glad you aren't them.
• When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, compared to what?
• When life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars.
• When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
• When someone catches me doing something embarrassing, I stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.
• Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
• Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
• You can't always control who walks into your life...but you can control which window you throw them out of.
• You show your character in nothing more clearly that by what you think laughable. (Goethe)

Laws of Life

• Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
• Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
• Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Law of Variation: If you change lines, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
• Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
• Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
• Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.