See the Home Sweet Home file for moving, new home, etc.
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| `._.' | | Home Improvement
- Ask Me About My Power Tools
- Before and After
- A Big Enough Hammer Fixes Anything
- Building Memories
- CAUTION! Man With Tools at Work
- Come See, Come Saw
- Home Improvement
- I Came, I Sawed, and I Fixed it
- If I had a Hammer...
- The Money Pit
- A Moving Experience
- Mr./Ms Fix-it
- Out with the Old and in with the New
- Room for Change
- Room for Improvement
- See What I Saw
- This Old House
- Under Construction
- Weekend Warriors
- Well-Built Carpenter
- A carpenter is chairman of the boards!
- Carpenters are just plane folk.
- Carpenters get board easily.
- The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts. (Paul Erlich)
- If a woman can't find you handsome, let her find you handy!
- If it doesn't fit, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
- If it moves and it shouldn't use duct tape, if it doesn't move and it should use WD40.
- If you want a new fireplace, soot yourself.
- I'm the kind of person who always hits the nail right on the thumb!
- Man of Many Vises (and cool tools!)
- A man who owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store. (Franklin McKinney Hubbard)
- On our anniversary I want to thank you for being with me for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, through thinness and thickness, in joy and in home improvement...
- One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop. (G. M. Weilacher)
- The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. (Dave Barry)
- There's nothing to match curling up with a good book when there's a repair job to be done around the house. (Joe Ryan)
- A tool is an object that allows you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. (Dave Barry)
- When the going gets touch, the tough use duct tape
Life is to Share
A silver tea set, shining bright,
Romantic in the candle light.
Appliances costly, copper and brass,
Clothes of linen, china and glass.
These are gifts, lovely and rare,
Showered on the bridal pair.
But I would give with all wedding bands,
The joy of laboring with loving hands.
The pleasure that comes with painting a chair,
And the love that grows with the chores we share.
If I had my way, I'd make it a law,
Each bride gets a paintbrush,
Each groom a saw!
The Homeowner's Guide to Basic Tools
- In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
- The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
- PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
- The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
- A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
- Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.
- HALOGEN LIGHT:
- A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
- CORDLESS DRILL:
- A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
- Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
- VISE GRIPS:
- A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
- Electricians add spark.
- Electricians always take charge.
- Electricians are live wires.
- Electricians are wired for success.
- Electricians can remove your shorts.
- Electricians conduit!
- Electricians have good connections.
- Electricians keeps up with current events.
- Electricians light up our lives.
- Electricians look on the bright side.
- Electricians shed light on the subject.
- Electricians turn you on.
- Electricians wire for money.
- Electricians--watt you see is watt you get.
- Electricians wire for money.
Laws of Home Improvement
- After your hands become coated with paint your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
- Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
- When you take a tool in for repair, it will work fine for the repairman.
Trace the ocean wave border line one the edge of a piece of gray paper. After you cut it out cut off the rest of the paper so the strip is about an inch wide. Put it down the side of a page with the "wave" tips pointing downward. It looks, surprisingly enough, very much like the edge of a saw blade. (Nancy R. CMC)
At the top left of a page write the title "The Money Pit". In the upper right of the page put a sticker or die-cut basket with some money stickers in it. Cut a simple house shape out of colored paper. Cut the roof from a different color. Put the house in the lower left corner of the page. Put the roof on the page tilted so it looks sort of like an open box. Scatter more money stickers diagonally across the page from the basket to the house with a few inside the house. Add photos of your latest remodeling project. (Monlea M. CMC)
40 Uses for WD-40
CAUTION: Before trying any of the hints below, test an inconspicuous spot to be sure it doesn't cause damage. And have adequate ventilation if you use a lot.
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- Protect silver from tarnishing.
- Clean and lubricate guitar string.
- Get oil spots off concrete driveways.
- Remove road tar and grime from cars.
- Keep flies off cows.
- Restore and clean chalkboards.
- Loosen stubborn zippers.
- Untangle jewelry chains.
- Remove stains from stainless steel sinks.
- Remove dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
- Keep ceramic/terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
- Remove tomato stains from clothing.
- Keep glass shower doors free of water spots.
- Camouflage scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
- Keep scissors working smoothly.
- Lubricate noisy door hinges on vehicles or in homes.
- Give children's slide a shine for a super fast slide.
- Lubricate gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.
- Rid rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
- Lubricate tracks in sticking windows and makes them easier to open.
- Spray an umbrella stem to make it easier to open and close.
- Restore and clean padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpers.
- Restore and clean roof racks on vehicles.
- Lubricate and stop squeaks in electric fans.
- Lubricate wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling.
- Lubricate belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.
- Keep rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
- Remove splattered grease on stove.
- Keep bathroom mirror from fogging.
- Keep pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
- Remove all traces of duct tape.
- Clean and remove bugs from grills and bumpers.
- Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures to attract fish (if allowed in your state). The main ingredient in WD-40 is fish oil!
- Use it for fire ant bites It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
- Remove crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
- Remove lipstick from clothes. Saturate the spot and wash.
- Spray on the distributor cap to displace moisture when it causes your car not to start.
- Remove leftover sticky stuff from tape or labels.
- Remove black scuff marks and tar from floors. (Remove all residue so the floor won't be slippery.)
- Protect lawn decorations from the elements (New York uses it to protects the Statue of Liberty).
Songs about Tools
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- Cement Mixer - The Hal McIntyre Orchestra (1946)
- Chainsaw Juggler - The Four Postmen (2001)
- Crosscut Saw - Earl Hooker (1970)
- Crowbar - Link Wray and the Raymen (1971)
- Dog on a Toolbox - James Bonamy (1995)
- Drill Bit Honky-Tonk - Slim Willet (1959)
- Driving Nails - Lattie Moore (1960)
- Duct Tape - John McCutcheon (2004)
- Flashlight - Parliament (1978)
- Hammer and Nails - Radney Foster (1993)
- Hardware Store - Weird Al Yankovic (2003)
- If I Had a Hammer - Arlo Guthrie and Pete Seeger (1981)
- Juggling a Jigsaw - Ted Weems and His Orchestra (1933)
- Monkey-Wrench Blues - Junior Brown (2004)
- Nuts and Bolts - Jay and the Jaywalkers (1966)
- Pile Driver - Dizzy Gillespie (1954)
- Power Tools - Planet P Project (2009)
- Take This Hammer - Tommy Tedesco (1963)
- Toolbox - Ian Gillan (1991)