Also see Mothers, Mother Poems, Domestic Engineering and Parenting.
Why did God make mothers?
1.-She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.-Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3.-Mostly to clean the house.
4.-To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1.- He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.- Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.- God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.- We're related.
2.- God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.-They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1.- My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.- They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1.- Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.- His last name.
2.- She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.- My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2.- She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1.- It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1.- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
2.- Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.- I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.- Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
2.- Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.- Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.- Mothers don't do spare time.
2.-To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1.- About thirty years.
2.- You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1.- She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2.- The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3.- She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1.- Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2.- Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3.- Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.- Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1.- She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2.- I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for". Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing own everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes-, which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program that will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for microwavable macaroni and cheese- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hot line.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for my wonderful family
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
Over the years I have learned that motherhood is much like an austere religious order, the joining of which obligates one to relinquish all claims to personal possessions.
Not only is my badminton racquet referred to as "THE badminton racquet" and as such regularly loaned to friends, left in hedges, and used to strain the water out of a pan full of Kraft dinner, but the children fight over which one of them gets to chew up my last sheet of personalized stationary to make spit-balls.
Just last week I bought a pair of black leather gloves to go with my good black coat. As I was dressing for a luncheon date yesterday, I saw my daughter through the bedroom window wearing my black gloves to school. There was nothing to do but wear her brown knit gloves. Just then I spied my son walking down the street in her brown knit gloves. I was the only woman to arrive at the luncheon wearing green and yellow snowflake mittens with one thumb unraveled.
Occasionally, however, there are opportunities to get a little of my own back.
Last night the children appeared clutching a pair of blue jeans which each adamantly insisted was his.
"All right," I declared. "I'll cut them in half. Each of you gets one leg." I reasoned that the rightful owner would love his jeans enough to relinquish his claim to save them. (This worked admirably for King Solomon in a dispute involving ownership of a baby.)
Unfortunately, as both children agreed to the division, King Solomon was forced to reverse his decision. It's one thing to chop a baby in two, but no wise king cuts up a pair of perfectly good jeans. He wears them himself, even if he can't quite zip them up.