Also see Growing Older - Jokes, Growing Older - Humorous Poems, and Adult Birthdays.

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Aches and Pains

At a retirement home a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Things pertaining to hair--or lack thereof--are in the Hair, Haircuts and Hats file.

Exercise for Seniors

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them as long as you can, then relax.
Each day you'll find you can hold this position longer. Try to reach a full minute.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags and then 50-lb potato bags. Eventually you will be able to lift 100-lb potato bags and hold your arms straight for a full minute. (I'm at this level now).
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Signs You're Getting Old:

Super Granny--Defender of Justice

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, loaded her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked a few spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Ah, senior moments!


I got this today from an old classmate, and since we're within a 'Certain Age Range', I'm passing it on to you so you can watch for similar symptoms.
I've recently been diagnosed with AAADD . . . that's Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder!!
This is how it goes . . .
I decide to change the oil in the car. I start to the garage, and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car . . . BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. So, I lay down the car keys on the desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the waste can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on the desk . . . BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out to the trash can, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . yes, now where is my checkbook?
Oops! There's only one check left. Where did I put those extra checks? Oh, there's my empty cup from last night on the desk! I'm going to look for those checks . . . BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, so I put the cup on the counter and . . . there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter! What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . . BUT FIRST, I need to water those flowers.
I head for the door, and . . . Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot! OK, I'll put the remote away and water the flowers . . . BUT FIRST, I need those checks . . .
By the end of the day, the oil in the car has not been changed, the bills are still unpaid, the cup is still in the sink, the checkbook still has only one check left, and . . . I'VE LOST MY CAR KEYS!!!
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm utterly baffled, because . . . I know I was busy the entire day!
I realize this condition is serious . . . I need to get help . . . BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail. By the way, my doctor told me that this disease is highly contagious can be transmitted by e-mail!. So, if you want to avoid AAADD, don't read this e-mail!!! (I should've put that warning at the beginning of the message, but I got distracted . . . sorry about that . . . you see I've not been myself lately.)

The Golden Years

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car."

Games for When We Are Older

Senior Dress Code

Many of us 'fiftyish' folks are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.


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