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All I Need to Know About Birthdays, I Learned From My Cat!

Be finicky--they'll try harder to please you.
Give attitude--get attention.
If you don't like your presents, SULK.
If you get bored at your party--curl up and take a nap.
Don't stress out over your first gray whisker.
Act completely unimpressed by the presents you receive.
This is your day, so if anyone bugs you, you're allowed to hiss and spit.
Take the day off and lie in the sun.
Stay out on the prowl all night long.
Demand only the most expensive fresh fish for dinner.
It's a good day to shed your inhibitions.
Act catty--toy with your presents before you tear them open.
Don't overdo it with the catnip or you'll regret it in the morning.
If you aren't getting enough attention, sharpen your claws on somebody's leg.
Don't let anything or anyone PUT YOU OUT!

And remember . . . curiosity might kill you, but birthdays won't!

Creation of the Cat

On the first day of creation,
God created the cat.
On the second day,
God created man to serve the cat.
On the third,
God created all the animals
of the earth to serve as potential
food for the cat.
On the fourth day,
God created honest toil so that man
could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day,
God created the sparkle ball
so that the cat
might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day,
God created veterinary science
to keep the cat healthy
and the man broke.
On the seventh day,
God tried to rest,
but he had to scoop the litterbox.

The Truth about Cats

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

The Real Question

The question: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

The Cat's Answer: Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
The real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

Simple Tricks for Cats--or motives for mayhem

(Jon Roe)

Just when I was looking for something to devote the rest of my life to, what should come floating across my desk but a Parents magazine column entitled "Simple Tricks for Cats and Dogs."
The first sentence from authors Jo and Paul Loeb was shocking in its perversity: "Teaching their pets to do a simple trick or two is a great way for children to occupy themselves over Christmas vacation."
What kinds of sadists are putting out Parents magazine these days? Can you imagine a more cruel and inhumane thing to do to a poor little kid than to have him or her spend Christmas vacation trying to teach tricks to a cat?
No jury would convict that kid for doing in the parents on New Year's Day.
You can't teach an old cat new tricks, or a new cat old tricks. You can't teach a cat anything. I don't care what Jo and Paul Loeb say. Nonetheless, they blithely prattle away about training your "dog or cat" as if the two are interchangeable.
For instance, get a load of this:
"Shaking hands is one of the simplest but most sought after tricks. To teach it, first make your pet sit; then . . .
Hold it! First, Jo and Paul, would you tell us how to make a cat sit? Or maybe it would be better to simply begin the lesson whenever we happen upon a sitting cat.
. . . put your hand out as you would when you go to shake hands, and gently push him to one side with your other hand, throwing him slightly off-balance, while at the same time saying, 'Shake hands.' He will automatically lift his paw in order to regain his balance . . .
Wrong! He will automatically lift his paw in order to put a six-inch gash in your hand. Let's move on to the next trick.
Eating out of a can is a great trick for cats. Start off by giving your cat a taste of his favorite food on the outside of the can . . .
Hold it! My cat's favorite food is crabmeat crepes, and they don't come in cans.
. . . where he can easily smell and taste it. Once he licks the food off the outside of it, he'll start associating the food with the can.
Obviously these two have never opened a can of cat food at 6 a.m. while a cat screeches in their ears, or they'd know cats already make that association.
Get a supply of his favorite food in large size cans. Let you cat eat his meal out of a can instead of his feeding bowl. After a few days, try feeding him out of a can that is only half full. With this, he will no longer be able to eat out of it with his mouth. But, since it is mealtime, he will be hungry and will try to get at his food by using his paw.
Wow! What a great trick! Messy, too. Maybe after that, we could train him to kick his kitty litter all over the kitchen floor.
Rolling over is best suited to dogs, but cats can learn it too--it just takes a little more work . . .
Uh-huh. Just a little more work. Your kids will be able to pass it on to their kids and it could become a holiday tradition as each succeeding generation attempted to teach the cat to roll over.

How to give a cat a pill:

  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
  2. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  3. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  5. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
  6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
  7. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
  8. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
  9. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  10. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  11. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  12. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  13. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  14. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
  15. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  16. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  17. Arrange for vet to make a house call.

How to Give a Dog a Pill:

  1. Wrap it in bacon.

Strict, Unbending Rules for Dealing with Stray Cats

The Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called 'shampoo'. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call 'beer'.
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of 'allergies'. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

TODAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time . . .

You know you're a cat person when...

Cat-mas Season

Cat-mas season is here. This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from Santa Claws.
The tree went up yesterday, and so did I. Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased me out of the tree.
So, as I do every year, I waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of what the humans call 'ornaments'. I call them 'cat toys'.
Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just daring a cat to knock them off. Every year the humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of my range, forcing me to elevate my game to knock them off.
Humans "ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. I salivate in anticipation of the night's activities. The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas season, leaving me to play with my tree. Tonight is a challenge, the ornaments are at an all time high. I crept under the tree and began to scale branches.
This is great! A tree in my own home, why don't they do this year-round? Five, six, seven branches, I climb like a pro. Ten, twelve, I am half way to the top, and there is the first ornament! This is easy as Cat-mas fruitcake. I make my way down the branch approaching the first ornament. It lightly jiggles as my weight causes the bough to bend. Almost there! One paw away and I feel a shudder.
Something is not right, I begin to lose my balance. The room is tilting! No, the room is not tilting, the Cat-mas tree is falling! It seemed like forever as the tree leaned, then pitched, and finally crashed to the floor in a resounding bang of exploding bulbs, ornaments, and broken limbs.
I quickly extricated myself from the splintered tree just as the Big Owner came bursting in snapping on the lights. There I was, sitting next to the tree, as innocent a look on my face as any other in the household.
"What happened?" he growled. Not a peep from me, I turned and looked at the tree. "I guess we hung too many ornaments on one side of the tree," I heard him say later as he hoisted the mangled Cat-mas tree back into place.
"Good answer," I thought. The Big Owner staggered off to bed, and I retreated to the living room. Maybe I'll tear down those stockings that were hung by the chimney with care.

It was a good day.

Silly Question

When people see my cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Feline Fysics

Cat Burglar

Here is a really cute kitty picture.