Also see Faith and Prayer, Philosophy and Religion.




Quotes


To Our Pastor

Our God has sent you to this place
To lead us in the way
That He would have us work and think
And live from day to day.

No matter the hour; whatever the need,
You've gone the extra mile--
Always ready and willing to share
A comforting thought and a smile.

We're grateful you've been with us
To teach us from His word,
And we will try to do our best
In service of our Lord.

We thank you for your ministry,
Your guidance and your care.
His greatest blessings for your life
Is our most humble prayer.


Keep Quiet

(Annie Dillard)

An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?"
"No," said the priest, "not if you did not know."
"Then why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"


A Sign

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"


The Cassowary

Once there was a cassowary
On the plains of Timbuktu
Killed and ate a missionary
Skin and bones and hymn-book, too.


Teed Off

The preacher and his friend had teed off. The friend missed a three-foot putt for his birdie and swore under his breath. At the third hole, he missed another easy putt. "Damn! Missed again," he muttered. On the seventh hole, he did it again. "Damn! Another miss!" he groaned. The preacher kept giving his friend reproachful glances but said nothing.
They started out on the back nine. On the tenth hole the ball just missed the cup. "Damn! Missed again!"
"Look!" cried the preacher, "I'm tired of your swearing. If you do it again, I'm going to call on the Lord to strike you."
Yeah, yeah, thought the friend as he teed off on the eleventh. The rest of his putts were accurate until the last hole. A five-footer rolled up to within an inch of the cup and stopped right there. "Damn, damn, damn! Missed again!"
A huge black cloud formed overhead and rolled around for a few seconds. Then a lightening bolt whizzed down from the sky and zapped the preacher. The friend gaped in amazement as the clouds opened up and disappeared. Then a sepulchral voice came from nowhere: "Damn! Missed again!"


A Reason to Get Up

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: One, You're 49 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"


Be Careful What You Wish For

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, an off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Wisconsin.


Dear Brother

(Dave Barry)

Dear Brother or Sister (Insert First Name Here):
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: "Why is the Rev. Dave taking time out from his busy ministry of serving the Lord in more than 127 major television and radio markets to write me a personal note?"
A good question, Brother or Sister (Insert First Name Here). And the answer is: The Lord told me to. "Rev. Dave," the Lord said, "I want you to write a personal note to (Insert Full Name) of (Insert Address), because I know he or she is concerned about the lies and vicious rumors that are being spread about you by the enemies of the Lord in their unceasing effort to help Satan in his evil plan to wreak horrible devastation upon mankind by causing a 47 percent decline in Weekly Love Offerings to the special fund that you, Rev. Dave, and I, the Lord, have jointly established in order that we may complete the HeavenLand Christian Theme Park and Faith Dental Clinic."
And as usual, Brother or Sister (Insert First Name Here), I find myself in a hundred percent agreement with the Lord. I know you are concerned. I know you have seen the stories about the incident that occurred several years ago, when I was facing a crisis in my marriage with Lizbeth Sue Anne Louise caused by the strain I was under when Satan caused the tragic snack-bar explosion at the Holy Love of God Marina, Jetport and Antique Furniture Museum, combined with the physical discomfort Lizbeth Sue Anne Louise was feeling because of her root canal work, which caused her to become chemically dependent upon nasal spray and cooking sherry to the point where she could not be responsible for her actions, especially not those two hijackings.
And so as you can imagine I was in a spiritually weakened state when people whom I had considered my "friends" took me to that motel room to meet a person whom I naturally assumed were there to discuss official church business, because why else would you go to a motel room to meet somebody, but who turned out to be, as you now know, a loose woman.
OK, several loose women.
OK, several loose women and possibly a wolverine.
You have to bear in mind that I had been badly weakened, spiritually, plus it was dark.
But the point is, I have been forgiven. The first thing I did when I got back to the condo in Vail was, I feel face down on the carpet and cried. The was because I had tripped over a chunk of Lizbeth Sue Anne Louise's makeup. Sometimes it falls off her face in pieces the size of clock radios.
And as I was lying there, crying, the Lord--the Lord loves Vail; that's why He has us maintain the condo there--said to me, He said: "Hey, Rev. Dave, forget it."
So we see, Brother or Sister (Insert First Name Here) that the Lord is totally comfortable with anything I might have done, including anything that hasn't been in the news yet although it might result in upcoming indictments.
But I'm afraid we still have a problem. Because as I mentioned earlier, the Lord is very, very concerned about the sharp decline in the Weekly Love Offerings; so concerned, in fact, that He told me unless we receive the $23.6 million needed to complete HeavenLand--including the BibleCoaster, which the Lord wants to have a vertical drop of at least 650 cubits--He is going to have to do something drastic.
Now don't go getting alarmed, Brother or Sister (Insert First Name Here). I'm not saying that unless I get the money, the Lord is going to kill me. I'm saying that unless I get the money, the Lord is going to kill you. I'm sorry, but you know how very, very strict the Lord can be.
Why, just today I received this letter from a dear brother or sister out there in believerland, who writes in to say:
"Dear Rev. Dave: I am real sorry about missing my suggested Love Offering last week, but I lost my job. Fortunately, I was able to hock little Martha's kidney machine, so I am enclosing two weeks plus the penalty. Please give me back the use of my arms."
What a heartwarming letter! I know I speak for the Lord when I say to this brother or sister, in all sincerity: "Don't let this happen again." Because quite frankly the Lord has got His eye on some commercial properties, and He cannot be worrying about Accounts Receivable, OK?
Let us remember those very special words in the Good Book, the words that, more than any others, spell out what my ministry stands for, who I am and what I believe in: "(Insert Some Bible Words Here)."

Songs about the Clergy