Also see Vehicle Humor and Law Enforcement.

scales of justice

How Can I Help?

Employee to company lawyer: "I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be executed. Can you help?"
Lawyer: "Sure. What would I have to do--pull a lever?"

Helpful Bystander?

July 1978 - Employees at a bank in Sherman Oaks, CA thought they had outwitted a robber by refusing to handle his suspicious package. The bandit sprinted outside to dump his parcel. A man, standing outside the bank, saw the thief escaping and chased him. He tackled the robber and returned the package, which contained tear gas timed to explode in two minutes, to the bank. It took thirty minutes to clear the air.


Why do they put pictures of criminals in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do--write to them? Why don't they put the pictures on postage stamps so mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

Not Taking Any Chances

Attorney to police officer on witness stand: The woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor?
Witness: That is correct.
Attorney: And it took you twenty minutes to arrest her, why?
Witness: The floor was still wet.

A Positive ID

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Who, Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

What Were They Thinking?

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch,clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help--and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman!" (from Readers Digest)

It's a Crime--or is it?

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for or all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer . . . $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

Helping Out

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

A Futile Search

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it and all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Police Come-Backs

Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want Answered

During a trial in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a elderly woman, to the the stand.
His first question was "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
She responded, "Yes, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a boy. Frankly you are a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to say, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Yes, I've known Mr. Bradly since he was a boy, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. His law practice is the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he has cheated on his wife with several different women, one of them being your wife. Yes, I know him."

The prosecutor and defense attorney were both mortified and didn't quite know how to proceed. At that point the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. Then he said, in a very quite voice, "If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

You know you need a new Lawyer when...

Excerpts from Actual Court Proceedings

(from an article in the Salt Lake City Tribune.)

U.S. TV Cops

Dean Farnell)

They always caught their criminals I swear I tell no lie.
Ironside was paralyzed, and Colombo had just one eye.
Did T.J. Hooker's buddies know he wore Kojaks wig?
Mike Stone had the nose for crime, Frank Cannon he was big.

The U.S. TV cops, made safe all the streets.
The U.S. TV cops, are all you need.
The U.S TV cops, cleared scum from the streets.
The U.S TV cops, in the 70s.

Officer Dibble spent his time chasing cartoon cats.
Commissioner Gordon's Gotham City was ruled by a bat.
Book Him Dano, Steve Mcgarrett, he was oh so cool.
Dirty Harry caught his crooks by breaking all the rules.