This file has legal-related humor. Also see Law Enforcement and Law Related Song Titles.

• Am I a good lawyer? Beyond a reasonable doubt!
• Council for the defense was prepared to prove:
  1) He shot in self defense,
  2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and
  3) He was 100 miles away when it happened.
• Defense attorney Tom Haney challenged Dahl's credibility, recounting what he said was a litany of lies by Dahl when he worked for Petroleum Energy.
  "I don't know how many times you've lied," Haney said. "You'd rather lie your way out of a situation rather than face the truth."
  "Not necessarily," Dahl said. "It depends on the situation."
  (from an article in the Wichita Eagle-Beacon ca 1990)
• English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
  This is our idea of useless legislation.
• Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
• Good Lawyering--it's all in the writs!
• Good lawyers know the law,
  Great lawyers know the judge.
• A good private eye is a guy who pries harder.
• He who laughs last has the best lawyer.
• Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
• How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
• "I find it hard to believe that you murdered that crippled old man for fifty cents," the outraged judge told the mugger.
  The mugger shrugged. "Fifty cents here, fifty cents there--it all adds up."
• I'm a Lawyer, of course I'm appealing!
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The large print giveth and the small print taketh away.
• The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. (Anatole France )
• Law: The only game where the best players get to sit on the bench.
• Lawyer: individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from other members of his profession.
• A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a 'brief'. (Franz Kafka)
• Lawyers aren't opinionated. They're just always right.
• Lawyers make great husbands. They're used to saying "Yes, Your Honor" and they know how to plead!
• Make crime pay. Become a Lawyer.
• Mugger to victim: "Perhaps it'll make you feel better to know that the technicality that got my previous conviction overturned is there to protect your rights . . . "
• Pardon My Appearance . . . my civil suit is at the dry cleaners.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their briefs.
• The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shall not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians--it creates a hostile work environment!
• They say lawyers are sharks . . . but sometimes a shark is exactly what you need!
• The trouble with the legal profession is that 99 percent of its members give the rest a bad name.
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
• We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. (Mark Twain)
• What do attorneys use for birth control?
  Their personalities.
• What do you call skydiving lawyers?
  Skeet.
• When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. (Norm Crosby)
• Where there's a will . . . there's a fee!
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You win some and you lose some, but you get paid for all of them.

How Can I Help?

Employee to company lawyer: "I'm working on a top secret military project. My boss hired some North Elbonians to help me. They're communists. If I give them any information, I could be guilty of treason. I could be executed. Can you help?"
Lawyer: "Sure. What would I have to do--pull a lever?"

Who, Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Helping Out

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.
He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."
But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

A Futile Search

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it and all.
"What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder. "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, " You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Don't Ask Questions You Don't Want Answered

During a trial in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a elderly woman, to the stand.
His first question was "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?
She responded, "Yes, Mr. Williams, I've known you since you were a boy. Frankly you are a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't got the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to say, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Yes, I've known Mr. Bradly since he was a boy, too. He's lazy, bigoted and has a drinking problem. His law practice is the worst in the entire state. Not to mention that he has cheated on his wife with several different women, one of them being your wife. Yes, I know him."

The prosecutor and defense attorney were both mortified and didn't quite know how to proceed. At that point the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. Then he said, in a very quite voice, "If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

You know you need a new Lawyer when...

• The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
• He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.
• He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
• Every few minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
• He gives juror No. 4 the finger.
• Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
• He giggles every time he hears the word 'briefs.'
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
• He places a large 'No Refunds' sign on the defense table.
• He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."

Excerpts from Actual Court Proceedings

(from an article in the Salt Lake City Tribune.)

• Was that the SAME nose you broke as a child?
• Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
• Question:  What happened then?
  Answer:  He says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
  Question: Did he kill you?
• Was it YOU or your brother that was killed in the war?
• The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
• Were you alone...or by yourself?
• How long have you been a French Canadian?
• Do you have children, or anything of the kind?
• Question: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was you first marriage terminated?
  Answer: By death.
  Question: And by whose death was it terminated?
• Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
• Question: I show you exhibit three and ask you if you recognize the picture.
  Answer: Yes, that's me.
  Question: Were you present when that picture was taken?
• Question:  Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
  Answer:  I'll be three months on November 8.
  Question:  Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8.
  Answer:  Yes.
  Question:  What were you doing at that time?
• Question: She had three children, right? Answer: Yes.
  Question:  How many were boys? Answer:  None.
  Question:  Were there any girls?
• You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
• Question: You say that the stairs went down to the basement, but did they go up also?
• Question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
  Answer: Not yet.
• Question: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
  Answer: The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
  Question: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?
  Answer: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!!