None of these jokes are "x-rated" but several might be considered "PG".
If you don't like that type of humor you won't enjoy this file.




Act Two

The young man took his girl to an open-air theater on their first date. After the first act he found it necessary to excuse himself. He asked the usher where the men's room was located and was told, "Turn left by that big oak tree, go straight ahead about twenty yards and then right for about five yards."
In a few minutes he returned to his seat. "Has the second act started yet?" he asked.
"You ought to know," his date answered coolly. "You were in it!"


Psychology Lesson

An attractive young woman was sitting alone at a bar.
"Excuse me, may I buy you a drink?" asked a young man.
"To a motel?" she yelled.
"No, no. You misunderstood. I just asked if I could buy you a drink."
"You're asking me to go to a motel?" she screamed, even more excited.
Completely bewildered, the young man withdrew to a corner. Everybody stared at him indignantly. A little later, the young woman came to his table. "I'm sorry to have created such a scene," she said. "But I'm a psychology student studying human behavior in unexpected situations."
The young man looked at her and shouted, "What? A hundred dollars?" 


Legend of the Christmas Tree Angel

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip . . . but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knew where. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?" And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.


The Problem with Outsourcing

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, war, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, I called a suicide hotline.
I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...


Seeing is Believing

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"


Just a Weeeee Bit

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. As he was searching for the perfect woman he met a farmer who had three gorgeous daughters. He explained his plans to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of the daughters.

The farmer replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeee bit--not that you can hardly notice--pigeon-toed."

The the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit--not that you can hardly tell--cross-eyed."

The farmer suggested he date the third daughter. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

They were wed right away and a few months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest human you can imagine. He asked his father-in-law how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit--not that you could hardly tell--pregnant when you met her."


You can't please everyone

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and the boy thought maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they would both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they decided they would both ride the donkey.

And then they passed some who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye!


Children's Books That Didn't Quite Make It

  1. You Are Different and That's Bad
  2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
  3. Dad's New Wife, Robert
  4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
  5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
  6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
  7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
  8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
  9. All Cats Go to Hell
  10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
  11. Some Kittens Can Fly
  12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
  13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
  14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
  15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
  16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
  17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
  18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
  19. You Were an Accident
  20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
  21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
  22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
  23. Your Nightmares Are Real
  24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
  25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
  26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
  27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
  28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
  29. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
  30. Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse
  31. Babar Meets the Taxidermist
  32. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
  33. The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and the Vice Squad
  34. Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets

One day a lady starts a new job. She works on the manufacturing lines of the Tickle Me Elmo dolls. It is her job to take the Tickle Me Elmo's off the line and place them in the boxes.
It's her first day and the shift starting bell rings. WOO WOO!
Before you know it, there is a towering pile of Tickle Me Elmos building up on the line. Apparently, the woman can't keep up with production.
The supervisor sees what's happening and rushes down the line to speak with the woman. When he approaches her, he sees that she is very carefully and meticulously sewing two little red balls between each Elmo's legs!
The supervisor starts shaking his head, grinning. He says to the woman, No! No! No! When I hired you yesterday I told you that your job was to take the Elmo's off the line and place them in the box. But before you do give them two 'test tickles'!


Why You Don't Send a Woman to a Hardware Store

Bubba needed a new hinge for the door he was fixing, so he sent his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot and asked how much it cost.
The manager, Joe Bob, replied, "That's real silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."


Cake or Bed

A husband is watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Then the wife asks, "Could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
He replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

She says, "Could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
He says, "Fix the steps? Does it look like I have Ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. Eventually he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home. As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong? I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She replied, "Hellooooo . . . do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"


Don't I Know You?

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was really surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look" and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought, but MAYBE . . . during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher."


Be Careful What You Wish For

Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up . . . suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle.
"Master, I may grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.
"Hey, Witch . . . don't you know who I am . . . I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads . . . "But Master I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment . . . then rumbling about the inconvenience of it all . . . He says "Ok, ok . . . I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare) "Now leave me alone!" he screams.
So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.


 Mistaken Identity

The new inmate at the mental hospital announced in a loud voice that he was the famous British naval hero Lord Nelson. This was particularly interesting, because the institution already had a 'Lord Nelson'. The head psychiatrist, after due consideration, decided to put the two men in the same room, feeling that the similarity of their delusions might prompt an adjustment in each that would help in curing them. It was a calculated risk, of course, for the men might react violently to one another; but they were introduced and then left alone, and no disturbance was heard from the room that night.
The next morning the doctor had a talk with his new patient and was more than pleasantly surprised when he was told, "Doctor, I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now that I am not Lord Nelson."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor.
"Yes," said the patient, smiling demurely, "I'm Lady Hamilton."


(These two poems would probably not be funny to me if I heard them for the first time today but when I was in elementary school I thought they were hilarious.  People my age will probably remember these and many similar ones.)

Little Willie

Willie saw some dynamite,
Couldn't understand it quite;
Curiosity seldom pays:
It rained Willie seven days.

Sister Nell

In the family drinking well
Willie pushed his sister Nell.
She's there yet, because it kilt her--
Now we have to buy a filter.


The Polack kissed his wife goodbye. As soon as the husband was out of the house, the interloper, his best friend, Piotr, sneaked in. But the Fates made the husband forget his briefcase and he returned. As he put his key in the lock, the wife cried, "Get in that closet--my husband is returning!" So into the closet he went. When the husband entered the room, his child began to cry, point to the closet and say, "Papa, there's a boogie man in there."
"There's no such thing as a boogie man," answered the placating father. The kid still kept pointing to the closet and insisting that there was a boogie man inside.
"I'll show you how wrong you are, my child," smiled Papa--and with that he opened the closet door. There stood Piotr, naked. The outraged husband contemplated the interloper for a moment then yelled, "Haven't you got anything better to do than go around frightening little children?"


Bad Dog!

One day I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. To my dismay it was the next-door neighbor's 10-year-old daughter's rabbit.
For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower.
Upon finishing it's grooming I hopped the fence and placed it in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDAAAADYYYYY!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"


Graffitti

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Save water . . . shower with a friend

My Mother made me a homosexual . . .
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one, too?

I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was here before either.

Robin hood had to steal from the rich--the poor were broke.

Dr. Jeckyll isn't himself today.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he had a Puerto Rican name?

If I save the whales, where do I keep them?

Kill them all! . . . Let God sort them out.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Jesus Saves passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.


Sports and Success

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


Good Advice

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and BS with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it.


Developmental Issues: Brain Cell Theory

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells, which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts.

This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.

Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.

Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as 'Republicans'.
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation.  These men are medically referred to as 'Democrats'.
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as . . . "Mr. President".


O. J. Simpson

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions.
After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"
The guy on the freeway says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but O.J. Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I'm taking up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."
"How much have you gotten so far."
"About ten gallons."