This file has Riddles and miscellaneous humor.




Skydiving

A man who was learning to parachute jump fell free from the plane, but on the way down found he couldn't get his parachute to open. He met a man who was on his way up in the air and called out, "Hey, buddy! Do you know how to open a parachute?"
"No!" the man answered. "Do you know how to light a gas stove?"


Naming Names

Benjamin B. Franklin, president of Associated Clubs, Inc., had to arrange accommodations for Winston Churchill, grandson of the late prime minister, who was to be a guest speaker at one of his organization's functions. Franklin phoned a hotel to make a reservation, saying, "I need a room for Winston Churchill."
"Uh, okay," replied the clerk. "Who is this?"
"Benjamin Franklin."
The clerk hung up.


Big Problems

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. (Jerry Seinfeld)


An Old Riddle

Railroad Crossing, watch out for the cars.
Can you spell that without any "r's"?
(answer at bottom of page)


Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?


The Top Ten Signs that You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10.) You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor sharp rows.
9.) The telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8.) On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
7.) You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace', with pecan crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint- fennel sauce.
6.) The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
5.) You discover that every napkin in your house has been folded into a swan.
4.) No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3.) Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive by doilying.
2.) You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.
And the Number One Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...
1.) You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

There is more Martha Stewart humor in Christmas Humor and Domestic Engineering


Songs about Jokes


Songs about Kidding


Songs about Funny


Songs about Silliness


Songs about Teasing



Riddles

(answers below)

  1. What's tall, hairy, lives in the Himalayas and does 500 sit-ups a day?
  2. What do you call a polar bear wearing earmuffs?
  3. How do you catch a unique rabbit?
  4. How do you catch a tame rabbit?
  5. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
  6. Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
  7. What do you get if you cross a rhinoceros and a goose?
  8. What happened when the couple tried to kiss in the dense fog?
  9. What great invention allows people to walk through walls?
  10. What is the most important thing to remember in chemistry?
  11. What would happen if you crossed a goat and a lion?
  12. Who grows cucumbers for a pickle factory?
  13. A box is filled with water. It weighs 1000 pounds. What can you put in it to make it weigh less?
  14. What is a monster's normal eyesight?
  15. How do you kiss a hockey player?
  16. Why did Dracula go to the orthodontist?
  17. What do you give an elk with indigestion?
  18. What is the easiest way to count cows?
  19. What did the ocean say to the shore?
  20. What is green and sour and always changes its mind?
  21. What is green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?
  22. What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a sheep?
  23. What is the difference between a rug and a bottle of medicine?
  24. What can't a man living in New York be buried west of the Mississippi?
  25. What do you get if you cross a moth with a firefly?
  26. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a homing pigeon?
  27. What would you get if you crossed a skunk and a raccoon?
  28. Why didn't the cannibal boil the missionary for dinner?
  29. What is the most expensive vehicle to operate?
  30. Is there one word in the English language that contains all the vowels?
  31. What did the 500 pound mouse say to the cat?
  32. How do you make a hippopotamus float?
  33. What is red, then purple, then red, then purple...?
  34. What's green and red and goes 1,000 miles per hour?
  35. Is it hard to spot a leopard?
  36. What goes up the chimney down put can't go down the chimney up?
  37. What's red and white on the outside and gray and white on the inside?
  38. How can you tell when there's been a elephant in your refrigerator?
  39. I see you where you never were,
    And where you'll never be,
    And yet in that very same place,
    May still be seen by me.
  40. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
  41. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

Answers:

  1. The abdominal snowman!
  2. Anything you want. He can't hear you!
  3. Unique up on it.
  4. Tame way, unique up on it.
  5. Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
  6. Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
  7. An animal that honks before it runs you over.
  8. They mist
  9. Doors
  10. Don't lick the spoon
  11. You would have to get a new goat.
  12. The farmer in the dill
  13. Holes
  14. 20 - 20 - 20 - 20 - 20
  15. You pucker up.
  16. To improve his bite
  17. Elk-a-seltzer
  18. A cowculator
  19. Nothing, it just waved.
  20. A fickle pickle
  21. A four-door pickle
  22. An animal that knits its own sweaters.
  23. One you take up and shake, the other you shake up and take.
  24. Because he's still alive.
  25. An insect that can find its way around dark closets
  26. A bird that asks the way home if it gets lost.
  27. A dirty look from the raccoon
  28. Because he was a "friar"
  29. A shopping cart.
  30. Unquestionably
  31. Here kitty, kitty
  32. With some root beer, two scoops of ice cream and a hippopotamus.
  33. A cherry that works nights as a grape.
  34. A frog in a blender
  35. No, they come that way
  36. An umbrella
  37. Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup
  38. By the footprints in the butter.
  39. Reflection in a mirror
  40. Dam!
  41. A Stick

Answer to Railroad Crossing Riddle

t-h-a-t