Also see Growing Older, Growing Older - Humor, and Adult Birthdays.
If I remember correctly this file has jokes about aging ;-)
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful old poodle, Cuddles, along for company. One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and before long, realizes she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having her for lunch.
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. The old poodle sees him heading after the leopard at great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back. Instead of running, she sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story: age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull and brilliance only come with age and experience!
Aunt Mary and two of her old friends were having a glass of lemonade at her house, and talking about their health problems.
"I think I must be getting old," said one of the women. "I sometimes find myself at the foot of the stairs, and I can't remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back down."
"I know what you mean," added the second friend. "Sometimes I'll be standing I front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put something in."
Aunt Mary sat up. "I guess I'm better off than either of you. I haven't had any problems like that so far, knock on wood". Saying that, she rapped on the table three times.
She looked at the other two women and stood up. "Excuse me," she said, "Someone's at the door."
Four men were camping and had brought two 2-person tents. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. The others decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they decided to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The others asked, "What happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The others said, "What happened to you?" He said, "Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was the oldest man there. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The others were shocked and said, "What happened?"
He said, "We got ready for bed. I tucked Bob in, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night, then Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Moral of the story: With age comes wisdom.
I just received a leaflet in the mail informing me that I can have sex at 68. That's good news because I live at number 72 so it's not far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street so I don't even have to cross the road!
If you are a senior citizen who can no longer care for yourself but can't find an affordable nursing home, you should opt for the new Plan G. This plan gives anyone 75 and older a gun and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. Then you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heat and air, cable TV, a library and all the health care you need (including new teeth, glasses, hearing aid, hip replacement, kidney transplant, etc.)
As an added bonus, your kids will visit you at least as often as they do now. And who will pay for all this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go to a nursing home. Isn't this a great country!
After the death of her father, my friend tried to persuade her 80-year-old mother to move in with her. The older woman was adamant: "No! Absolutely not! I've always said I'd never live with any of my kids. I've seen too many problems arise from that kind of situation."
My friend said, "Yes, Mom, but you're different."
"I know I am," replied her mother, "But you're not."
Two elderly women were out driving. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
A widower and widow had known one another for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective homes.
Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say "yes" or did she say "no"? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called . . . because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile suggested the husband try a simple informal test to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about thirty feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to thirty feet, then twenty feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about forty feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about thirty feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about twenty feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only ten feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
Finally he hears this response: "Damn it, Earl--for the fifth time--chicken!"
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here in bed together talking to one another."
She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to casually reach over and take my hand?"
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and kiss me on the cheek?"
Grandpa leaned toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over twelve years, chatting and enjoying each other's friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"